Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Category Archives: Horoscopes

A cannibal does your horoscopes

cannibalUs ‘bals get a bit of a bad rep these days, so I’m here to try and improve our image a bit.  And what better way to kick things off, than with a bit of horoscoping?  It’s perfect for introducing an element of my culture into the soft, fleshy side of western civilisation.  There were actually supposed to be two us doing this, but my colleague couldn’t make it for reasons way beyond my control; I asked the stewardess for some peanuts, and she said they had run out, and I was kind of hungry, and you know what happens when I get hungry.

It took me hours to flush the remains of his fibular down the toilet.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

The outlook is bright, especially if you live in Finland where the sun never sets.  Actually, them Finns are an odd bunch, always so white, pasty, and yucky looking, yet after a mere three hours in the oven they look just like chicken!  Marvellous, eh?  Anyway, if you fancy a change from the usual holidays to Spain, Greece, and Mogadishu, pop over to one of them Nordic places.  You’re in for a delicious treat, I guarantee it.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The local cinema has lowered its ticket prices for midweek showings, so anyone with a day off should pop along for a bargain.  Personally, I’ve always found the cinema to be quite stressful, especially during the summer.  Everyone always seems to be walking around in flip flops, and the sight of all those vulnerable, juicy little toes can make me feel rather peckish after a while.  By the way, my favourite film is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Bored?  Then why not plant a tree?  It gets you out in the open air, and if you’re lucky a cute little sparrow might make a nest in it.  Back home, the more nervous members of my tribe stand under trees so that they get covered in bird poo, in an attempt to make themselves seem less appealing when food starts to run out.  It actually worked for a while, until a hipster counter-culture community sprang up and started eating all the ugly ones first.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Are you the active type?  Now that the weather is edging closer to spring, it’s the ideal time to dust down those trainers and get fit again.  Whether you’re looking for a string of human gut for your tennis racquet, or pumping up that pygmy bladder, this is the perfect opportunity to get a head start on everyone else.

The 2012 London Olympic stadium does your horoscopes

Hi there, gang! I tell you I’m sLondon-Olympic-Stadiumo glad that this sports malarkey finally got going as it gives me a chance to stretch my legs. For the past seven years I’ve had all manner of smelly builders climbing all over me sticking their bits in my nooks and crannies. Some of them don’t even wash their hands after going to the loo and the amount of hairy arse-cleavage on show was enough to make me heave.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Oh dear, I’m all nervous now. Stop looking at me like that, you’re making me go all shy. Okay, that Bulgarian female weightlifter has put her clothes back on now – all that hair and testosterone was making me feel ill. Do any of you have tickets? If not, just say yo’’re with the Jamaican bob-sleigh team. There was a documentary about them once they had a riot of a time. I wonder if that mad one has still got his lucky egg? It’s probably best to avoid the Germans though, they’re a bunch of dicks.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Erg, have you been looking around in those awful charity shops again? That dress is hideous. Look, I know it’s been nicknamed the ‘austerity games’, but really. And why is your husband wearing faded green socks with those awful sandals…? Is he trying to look like a German paedophile tourist on purpose? Shoo, shoo, away with you! Tout your tickets for three times their face value and never return here again, not even when I’m nothing more than a forgotten, rotting husk once the Games have finished. Olympic legacy? Olympic leprosy more like.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Ah, little Sammy! I remember you writing me that letter last year asking if you could bake me a cake. I had a bit of trouble reading your childish scribbles but I got there in the end. So, did you remember the cake? Oh, it’s a mud pie? Well, I guess you have to make do with what you have and your mummy won’t let you use the oven yet. Okay, see that security guard over there? Throw the cake at him! He is always whipping his willy out and going for a piss up against my walls because he can’t be bothered to walk to the gents toilet. Kraut bastard, I bet he has a really fat wife.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

A quick tip for you guys: bring a cardigan as the weather hasn’t been as warm as it should be. Might want to bring some wellies and a brolly as well just in case it rains. Bear in mind that it’s summer, so shorts are ideal if it gets hot. The food is shockingly expensive inside so hide some biscuits in your socks. Oh and the security is a complete shambles so if you’ve got your own explosives sniffer dog, bring him along just in case. And a gun if you have one.

A Walmart store does your horoscopes

walmartHey there my little humanoid friends, how are you? I’m sad to say that it’s been fairly mundane for most of this week – other than a family of uglies who were desperate for an extra-large bag of cheesy sticks and a Harry Potter book, no-one has done anything outlandish so far. Mind you, that family were all in their pyjamas so I guess I get extra points for that. They wanted to pay for everything in vouchers as well, bleurgh! Call me old fashioned but I prefer my tills being filled with hard cash; there’s less chance of a coin being used as toilet paper.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You know when your backdoors suddenly stop working for no reason? One morning you just wake up and the buggers won’t budge, no matter how much you prod and poke at them. Yep, that’s right, you got constipation and I recommend you give the GO-NOW ex-lax tablets a shot. Aisle 14, shelf 5.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

I’m feeling generous so if you are moving house this week I will let you borrow one of the shopping trolleys that have been left stranded out in the car park. Don’t go abusing this offer though – I don’t want you returning it with a wobbly wheel or using it as a BBQ grill. And if I catch you dumping it in a river I’ll come and break your legs. Capiche?

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Those damn kids have been at the fire extinguishers again and got water everywhere. I swear, one day I will refill them with fart gas and THEN we will see who has the last laugh. Anyway, if you need to mop up any spills then I recommend the tea towels as they are on offer at the moment. They are right next to the beef jerky corn dogs over on aisle 20.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Argh, who knocked down that big stack of baked beans? I bet it was that miserable git in the wheelchair again, he’s a disgrace to humanity and I swear he steals things as well. If you need legal advice, check out the ambulance chaser who hovers around the toilet waiting for someone to slip over. And stop looking at me, I hate you.

Samantha Brick does your horoscopes

samantha brickHi there, fans and admirers. I’m in a bit of delicate mood at the moment as a cat was sitting in my garden earlier. I quickly nipped into the shower, put on some make-up, ironed my stockings, and then when I popped out to say hello the feline disappeared! Why would it do that? Why are some cats so jealous of me when I spruce myself up a bit? It must have been a female cat. If it had been a tomcat he would have left me a nice dead mouse or something as a present.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There’s a documentary about the suffragettes on BBC1 this week. I’m not going to watch it as I always feel uncomfortable when there are too many women in my front room. There will always be one who drinks too much and tries to turn the others against me when they see me flirting with their husbands. You lot should be fine though.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The Bank of Nigeria is setting up a new branch in your area so you should check it out. I’m already one step ahead of the game as a nice Nigerian prince emailed me specifically asking me for my bank account details. I was completely flattered with the attention and it gave me a nice glow all day, meaning I can just sit back and let the lovely kind man take care of it all for me.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards are putting on a concert this week. I went backstage and met them once and they were very flattering – told me I was full of hot air like their bagpipes, which was obviously a compliment as I wearing my new push-up bra. Although the show is good there isn’t any point you paying extra to go backstage as they’d just ignore the likes of you.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I suggest going to the Natural History Museum in London as I had my ovaries surgically removed and put up on display there; think of it as a kind of modern day Turin Shroud. I have asked them to cordon off an area of about 20 foot around the display, lest anyone gets overpowered by my ovarian aura if they get too close.

Vladimir Putin does the horoscopes

Comrades. As the new and rightful lePutinader I here to tell you what is what. I divide you up by star sign and then say what is happen. You must not try to get out of it or else man who wrestle bear for fun will come and find you. I sometime wrestle bear for fun and I teach other mans who like to wrestle how to do it too. We have fun and shoot guns for fun as well. Then we practise putting people in cage and no feed them for six weeks; is fun.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Your favourite TV programme have special omnibus special this week. Omnibus is now cancel so you do something else instead and I suggest learning Judo for fun or maybe even make mashed potato for local bear wrestling club. For every 500 potatoes you peel, get free bullet for gun of my choice.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Favourite vending machine at work is now changed – no more vending Coca Cola and Scampi Snacks, but bricks and cyanide instead. Price is doubled too. You buy brick and donate to local martial art dojo so they buy cages for bears. Cyanide is for killing rats in house. You say you no have rats? You will soon, so buy quick before cyanide run out.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

I see you have nice shampoo in bathroom. Soon, shampoo not be in stock in shop so you have better shampoo instead. Is black in colour and can be use for paint or wash car as well. It is like hair dye too, which is good as I like sexy brunette very much. Soon, all lady have sexy brunette hair.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

You have nice wallpaper and pictures up in house. Is nice but you take down soon. Everyone having nice and smart grey concrete walls and lights with no lampshade, which be good practice for when you get arrest and put in prison for being spy. I know you spy as you have pet rabbit or dog instead of have bear to practice wrestling on.

More horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

I got a new mobile phone the other day and what a marvellous little dhoroscopesevice it is. I can take photos of my penis and stick them up all along my road at night. I overheard some people talking about it in the local shop this morning. I crept up on them, hoping to hear tales of anguish and outrage, but they thought they were pictures of walnuts! Stupid bloody old people.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

There is going to be locust storm in your area soon and I recommend putting bin liners up in the trees to try and slow them down. You might want to cover yourself in double-sided sticky tape as well in case the swarming starts when you are out getting some milk or whatever it is you buy in that shifty-looking shop on the corner. Seriously, why does everyone always walk out of there holding a brown paper bag? Doesn’t make sense.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

How often do you eat a banana? Once a day? More than once a day? You beast! No wonder my local Tesco keeps running out of them. Cut back so the rest of us get a chance to enjoy this potassium-rich treat. I don’t like kiwi fruits so have one of those instead. You can even use the skin as a fake beard if you are that way inclined.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so the saying goes. Yeah? Well my niece was sick all over me at the weekend and it would have been much better if she had done it in a bush. It’s one rule for the 17th century philosophers and another rule for the rest.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Mickey Mouse? Bloody Bastard more like. I had to wear a costume for a kid’s party once and after about 30 minutes I passed out due to the heat. How come Mickey himself never had this problem? Disney must have had the squeaky-voiced twat jacked up on drugs and ice cubes or something. It would certainly explain the smile that was etched permanently on his face.

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

Beauty Baggins new year

New year, new stuff! Huzzah! Out with the old and inhoroscopes with the new… and how I wish I could do that with my miserable bastard in-laws. I’ve actually decided to give next-door’s cat a fresh start. I’ve become bored of the turf wars and it would make life easier for both of us if we could just get along. Ah, there he is now in fact. Sauntering along the wall as deft as, well, as a cat. Oh, he jumped down again… just look at the cute little devil pawing curiously at the earth… and now he’s squatting down… what is he- oy! Clear off you feral little bastard and do your business somewhere else! God, I hate the furry twat.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Make sure you check out all the sales as there are plenty of bargains to be had. No, I don’t mean nonsense like handbags and power drills, I mean the HDMI cables that go in your TV. Get rid of the cheap and nasty ones you use and buy the decent ones whilst they are on offer – at half a month’s wages they simply can’t be ignored! And stop looking at me like that. If you’re going to watch Big Brother and Oprah at least sort your equipment out.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you drink coffee? You should do as it’s great for helping you operate heavy machinery late at night. A delivery truck is going to crash and overturn in your area this week so I suggest that you prime and oil your most rugged shopping trolley and get ready to smash and grab your way to caffeine excess. Take a brolly as well so you can fight off that fat cow from over the road.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Kids love Lego; I love Lego; Hoovers hate it. Solve this dilemma by laying plastic sheets all over your house. Come hovering time at the end of the week, just gather the sheets up and throw them away – your hoover will be ever so thankful to you. You might need to get another box for the plastic recycling though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I believe it’s time to clear out that loft of yours. Make sure you go up there quietly and slowly, so as not to disturb the giant wasp’s nest that’s perched delicately above the entrance. Don’t trip over the Sodastream machine that you got for Xmas back in 1984 either. Right, that box of yo-yos over in the corner? Get it and get it quickly, before you get stung. Good. Remember that your hand co-ordination is awful and yo-yos are for idiots so throw them all away you awful, awful person.

Beauty Baggins is here with cheer

Yeah, it’s getting cold now and that’s annoying onhoroscopes my face when I have just had a shave. I had a great idea of smearing my face with Vaseline to cancel out the wind chill, but the lifeguards threw me out when I went to the swimming pool in the afternoon. It’s one rule for those with beards and another rule for the rest of us.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

“A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat,” so went the advert for Fudge chocolate bars. If your family are having a 19th century themed Christmas then you should heed this advice otherwise steer well clear of such miserly nonsense… unless you enjoy bullying your kids of course.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yeah, right. Tell that to the kids in the orphanage who took my joke letter from Santa too seriously. Tempting as it is, I advise against telling dozens of kids that Santa hates them and that he won’t be doing any more house visits.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“The world was made in seven days,” so said my Sunday school teacher. I then asked why it takes Santa a bloody year to deliver a wonky Bugs Bunny toy to me and the miserable sod told me never to come back. Parents should be wary of mixing religion and children for the next few weeks.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Fee-fi-fo-fum,” said the Giant to Jack as he glanced up at the beanstalk. Tip for parents: if your kid is playing one of the three wise men in a nativity play, make sure he knows his lines and doesn’t decide to ad-lib something extra in. He will be a social outcast for months otherwise.

Beauty Baggins horoscopes you

Morning ahoroscopesll. I was eating a packet of crisps the other day when I got thinking. It was supposed to be prawn cocktail flavour but I’ve never had an actual prawn cocktail before, so for all I know Walkers were lying to me. This didn’t stop me from eating the whole packet though and I had a Mars Bar afterwards.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Poetry is usually a load of nonsense but this week it might be rather important for you lot. The local paper is holding a creativity competition and they aren’t expecting many poems to be submitted, so you will be in with a shout of winning something if you get working on it. The top prize is a haiku set and the runner-up gets a slap up meal in KFC so start scribbling.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you ever buy those packets of frozen profiteroles and then only use half the chocolate sauce? You must have loads of excess sachets hanging around by now, so see if there are any local chocolate fountain manufacturers running low on supplies. If not, you could simply use them as treats for your pet dog when trying to train him to jump through hoops and run up slides.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Sticks are your friends this week. If you see any sticks or branches lying on your lawn, nip out and rescue them before they get used to make a bird’s nest. Dry them out and sell them as logs to midgets or something.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Your sink is chock full of dirty dishes so get some soapy stuff and clean them. The cockroaches and mice are just around the corner so you will have to act fast if you don’t want them pitching their tents in your kitchen.

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