Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
11/06/2013Posted by on
Yo peeps! Time for yet another serious post whereby I whore myself out and go all self-promotiony on you.
Right then. Just over a year ago, some of you may recall that I published a book called Shades of Grey. It was a collection of three short stories that was only available in smelly ebook form (Kindle, Nook, etc.) Well, I’m pleased to announce that it is finally available in PAPERBACK form! YES! Down with all this digital nonsense I say, and onwards with pulped trees and physically vulnerable mediums. Apart from WordPress, of course; blogging would be a right kerfuffle if was all done via papyrus scrolls. Papyrus shops are a bit thin on the ground here in Blighty.
Anyway, to celebrate this truly momentous occasion I’m giving away a whole five copies to anyone who fancies one. This giveaway is open to anyone, anywhere in the world… providing Amazon deliver to you, that is. This goes doubly so for people in America as they buy far FAR more of my books than any of my smelly fellow Brits do. In fact, my fellow Brits should count themselves lucky that I’m even allowing them to enter. You bloody Brits with your wonky NHS dentisted teeth, daft accents, and the obsession with driving fuel-efficient cars.
I tell you, if I ever get rich and famous from this writing lark, I’ll definitely go and live in the US for a while. I’ll be able to eat hot grits for breakfast and have melted cheese on everything without anyone batting an eyelid. I won’t be going anywhere near their chocolate though, that really is ghastly stuff.
So, all you have to do is leave an email address in a comment below and I’ll contact you for your real address if you’re a winner.
For those that don’t believe I actually went ahead with this, it’s listed here on Amazon UK and here on Amazon US. For those that still don’t believe me, here is a picture of the aforementioned paperbacks on my bed. And yes, I did gather them up and cuddle them afterwards.
PS – although it shares a similar name, Shades of Grey has nothing to do with that erotic grot written by EL James.
PPS – for those wanting to know, I’m hard at work on another book. I decided to dip back into historical fiction again, and it’s a story set in the Warsaw Ghetto during WWII.
John is not a very nice man. He works for the government. So who has tied him to a chair and what do they want?
James is a British soldier during WWII. Tom is a young boy with a terrible secret.
Three stories. Three very different people. All of them battling to survive.
03/06/2013Posted by on
Greetings, fine Western peoples of the Internet. For birthday last year I receive modem of 56k to access and surfs websites of glorious information. Since then, I have had much fun reading emails from comrades all over the globals. My most favourite email so far was one of Kylie Minogue doing dance in her underwear and stockings! It take me three days to download and I can only watch it when wife is in bed, but is worth every penny of large phone bill. Kylie has nice bottom and does good locomotions, yes? I think she could be ballet dancer one day, or maybe expensive stripper. I don’t know, choice be up to her.
Anyway, wife saw me browsing Internet other day and ask me to buy her nice gift. I say okay and decide to buy hair net. I love wife dearly, she make best boiled potatoes and pickled cabbage in all of Soviet. Hair net arrive today and now I open box. Hmmm, seems website sent me two instead of one. Must be because modem disconnect whilst I place order and ended up going through twice. Oh well, mean I have one to practice with before using properly. I take it out of box and AAARGH! It look like spider web! I not like spiders much, they always fall in mouth when I snores at night. I take quick shot of vodka to calm my nerves before continue.
Right, so what hair net for then? At first I thinking maybe for keeping spare hair, so can make wig when old and baldy but net have big holes that hair would fall out of. Maybe it for catching stray hairs blowing in wind, like butterfly net is. Thing is, hair net have no handle included in box so that mean have to make own one out of sticks. Only stick I have is for punishing children when they no go up blocked chimney to clear blockage. Perhaps it like fishing net, and I need to leave it out on pavement to trap passing hairs. I hope no-one steal it during night, as post and packing is expense on Internet.
Now I think about, wife have hairy under arms so maybe be good for that. Hopefully it stop spiders too.
20/05/2013Posted by on
The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on. I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away. I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo. I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.
When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to. Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade. Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.
I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast. I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it. I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee. Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself. I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.
If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.
06/05/2013Posted by on
So then, nuclear powers – who wants one? I had a meeting with a nuclear engineer man the other day, and he was a very interesting chap. He was telling me all about radioactivity and why you need to wear gloves when picking up lumps of uranium. I had always assumed that uranium would have little finger holes like those ten-pin bowling balls do, but he said they didn’t. Just before he went home, he gave me a free pen and I really like it ‘cos when I press the presser down, the radiation symbol on the side lights up. It reminded me a bit of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and I was a massive fan of them guys back in the day. Well, apart from Raphael that is – he was just a grouch. I liked Donatello’s stick, but Michaelangelo was the best of the lot. I asked the nuclear engineer man if he wanted to go halves on a pizza, but the miserable sod said no. Obviously, his favourite turtle was Raphael.
Right, nuclear power. It sounds BRILL and I have to confess that I’m not a big fan of coal these days. Coal power stations, coal fires, and coalition governments – all of them sound great at first, but after a while they start to get on your tits. I did read that if you crushed a big bit of coal really hard, you could make a diamond. I decided to give this a try, and fished around in my shed for a pair of gloves. I did find them eventually but then I remembered I didn’t have any coal, which put a bit of a downer on things. It reminded me of that time when I went to go and get a lottery ticket, but I somehow lost my £1 coin on the way to the shop. Funds were low at Lib Dem HQ at the time, so we had to go without heating for a week.
Not to be disheartened by my coal-crushing failure, I decided to practice the technique on some eggs. Someone once told me that eggs are really strong, so it was an ideal opportunity to test this theory out. Mind you, I remember when I decided to test out another theory, whereby sitting on an egg would make it hatch into a cute baby chicken – I made a right mess of the chaise longue. Anyway, egg crushing. I somehow lost my gloves, so I had to use an old sock instead. Of course, then I couldn’t remember where I left the eggs.
So, all in all, coal is a load of old crap.
21/04/2013Posted by on
Hey, gang! With all the wind and the rain that’s been battering the fair shores of the UK recently, I’ve been wondering if Armageddon isn’t just around the corner. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if we woke up to find Gaia herself knocking on our doors in the morning.
Of course, being such a clever eco-bod means that I’ve been able to thrive in the face of such adversity. Using the recycled remains of my neighbour’s blown-down fence, I built a nice little windmill at the bottom of my garden. I’ve also got several gallons of reclaimed rainwater stored in some Tupperware containers and provided I can find some readily-harvested wheat, I should be able to make half a loaf of bread by the end of the year. In terms of making good use of this freakish weather, the sky is quite literally the limit.
Dear Frigid Twiglet
All my friends are having fun with their iPhones and Androids, yet I have to make do with papyrus scrolls and bits of chalk. Is there any way I can join in with this smartphone-based fun, whilst still maintaining my eco-friendly credentials?
There certainly is! Remember, eco-friendliness is as much a mental state of being as it is about saving the planet from the parasitic nature of mankind. Close your eyes and picture just what ‘Android’ is all about. It represents machinery, petrol, technology, and people who liked to dress up as Darth Vader whilst they burn car tyres down by the river.
Close your eyes again and think about ‘Apple’. Apple is, essentially, nature in a nutshell. I tested this myself once by leaving an apple outside in the garden. As it slowly withered away, a bird flew down to peck at it. A few moments later, a lurking cat pounced on the bird and killed it. Then a dog came and chased the cat away. The very next day that same dog crapped in my garden, so I tied it up and left it to rot just like I did with the apple.
Nature is cruel, but man is a bitch.
06/04/2013Posted by on
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.
Frazzle R, Bolton
I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen. Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.
John W, Lancs
A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.
Bob L, Woolton
Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.
Jack D, US
Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM. Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car. Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?
I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around. There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.
Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day. Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.
09/03/2013Posted by on
At last! It’s here! It’s finished! My latest book is now occupying the digital shelves of an online shop somewhere near you. And by jove, would it be thrilled to have your mouse pointer tickling under its nose.
All those months of head scratching, typing, formatting, the endless rounds of editing and begging people to help me with the proof reading… I’m sick of the sight of the damned thing. But it’s finished! WOWZERS.
And I’ll be starting a new one soon…
This particular story is centred around a teenage boy called Jake, and it’s all about the teenage insecurities that are bouncing around his head as he battles from one day to the next. There’s drama, there’s jealousy, there’s shouting, there’s tragedy, there’s… well, you’ll just have to see for yourself.
I’d like to thank OCD Reader, Weichu, and Louise Savage for their gracious help during the editing stages. Their delicate beady eyes spotted what my tired puffy ones could not.
If you’re willing to write a short review of the book on somewhere like Amazon, Facebook, Goodreads, or your blog then you can grab yourself a free copy from Smashwords using this code - JU97J
Jealousy, lust, and teenage insecurities are the lifeblood of any large school.
Loneliness can strike without warning, spreading through the cramped corridors like an epidemic.
Out on the playground, rivalries are formed from the pettiest of incidents.
Some people look at Jake in awe, others look at him with hatred.
Jake is just an ordinary boy who wants to be liked.
Jake wants to know why the girls never seem to notice him.
Jake is… well, he’s Jake.
03/03/2013Posted by on
Us snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they hatch, mate furiously with whoever they wake up next to, and then die 48 hours later. Snow people are kind of similar, except we don’t get to participate in socially-acceptable orgies. This is partly because snow vaginas are somewhat thin on the ground, but mostly ‘cos snow penises are, well, thin and carroty.
Talking of carrots, this particular one is a marvellous bit of kit. Organic veg might be a bit wonky and smelly but the extras tend to make up for that. This one came with a free dead spider in the box and once I pulled the legs off, I was able to use them as a beard. And we all know how the chicks dig a man with a beard, amirite? The carrot itself has a nice natural brightness to it, one that gives off the impression that I’ve just come back from a sunny holiday somewhere. And chicks love going on holiday, yeah?
A while back I was asked to test a parsnip. It was great for camouflaging myself during games of hide and seek, but most people said that it made me look anaemic. To be honest, our games of hide and seek tend to get rather boring after a while; if you watch a family of snails going out for a picnic, you’ll see that they leave nasty trails behind them and we tend to do the same thing. We actually have quite a lot in common with snails: an abject fear of salt, for example.
So it’s top marks for organic stuff from me. Stay tuned for next week’s article where I discuss the pros and cons of Brussels sprouts.
epub and PDF versions are available in a romance-killing ZIP file here
17/02/2013Posted by on
Us ‘bals get a bit of a bad rep these days, so I’m here to try and improve our image a bit. And what better way to kick things off, than with a bit of horoscoping? It’s perfect for introducing an element of my culture into the soft, fleshy side of western civilisation. There were actually supposed to be two us doing this, but my colleague couldn’t make it for reasons way beyond my control; I asked the stewardess for some peanuts, and she said they had run out, and I was kind of hungry, and you know what happens when I get hungry.
It took me hours to flush the remains of his fibular down the toilet.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
The outlook is bright, especially if you live in Finland where the sun never sets. Actually, them Finns are an odd bunch, always so white, pasty, and yucky looking, yet after a mere three hours in the oven they look just like chicken! Marvellous, eh? Anyway, if you fancy a change from the usual holidays to Spain, Greece, and Mogadishu, pop over to one of them Nordic places. You’re in for a delicious treat, I guarantee it.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
The local cinema has lowered its ticket prices for midweek showings, so anyone with a day off should pop along for a bargain. Personally, I’ve always found the cinema to be quite stressful, especially during the summer. Everyone always seems to be walking around in flip flops, and the sight of all those vulnerable, juicy little toes can make me feel rather peckish after a while. By the way, my favourite film is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Bored? Then why not plant a tree? It gets you out in the open air, and if you’re lucky a cute little sparrow might make a nest in it. Back home, the more nervous members of my tribe stand under trees so that they get covered in bird poo, in an attempt to make themselves seem less appealing when food starts to run out. It actually worked for a while, until a hipster counter-culture community sprang up and started eating all the ugly ones first.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
Are you the active type? Now that the weather is edging closer to spring, it’s the ideal time to dust down those trainers and get fit again. Whether you’re looking for a string of human gut for your tennis racquet, or pumping up that pygmy bladder, this is the perfect opportunity to get a head start on everyone else.
28/01/2013Posted by on
‘Sup, y’all? Have you missed me? I sure hope so, otherwise I’ll be spiking your talcum powder with anthrax. I’ve been in a sporty mood recently, and decided to get myself involved with a local hockey club. I don’t bother with the training sessions as I don’t like it when people tell me what to do, but the pain you can inflict on your opponents with those sticks is marvellous.
Dear Nurse Ratched
It’s been snowing recently and my husband refuses to get out there and clear the driveway, no matter how many times I ask him. What should I do?
If you’re the type who likes getting their hands dirty, I’d recommend tying him to a chair and force feeding him some of the yellow snow that you always see outside Battersea Dog’s Home. Failing that, get yourself on Ebay and bid on one of those landmines that the jihadists are always trying to sell. Pop it into hubby’s coat pocket, and the next time he has to hold onto the fence to stop himself from slipping over on the ice, he’ll be blown to smithereens! If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
A boy at my school has bad breath, and he keeps talking to me. I don’t want him talking to me, ‘cos of his smelly breath. What should I do?
You need to teach this little scrote a lesson, that’s what. I suggest buying some mints, and that you shove them in his gob when he is least expecting it. Use a hammer if needs be, and make sure he reimburses you as there’s no need for you to be out of pocket when seeking justice. Alternatively, you could stick a photo of him on an envelope, slide a lump of dog shit inside it and then send it to him by post. Keep doing this until he gets the message, or moves house. If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.