Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Everyone should brush, floss, and barf thrice daily

brushHi there! My name is David Wrongford and I’m here to tell you all about my innovative new dental routine.

Dental hygiene is important not only for dentists but also for the general wellbeing of society as a whole. I’ll explain my point via the use of an analogy about food: if you bought an apple, you wouldn’t set it down next to another apple that had turned rotten; instead, you’d finish it off before your greedy neighbour noticed it.

See? Makes perfect sense. Food analogies are good because food is tasty and most people will have consumed at least one bit of food at some point in their lives.

My dental routine starts off with three minutes of vigorous brushing, a process that practically guarantees drawing some blood from the stubborn bastards that are my gums. As the saying goes: old enough to bleed, yes indeed. Following on from that, whilst my gums are still screaming furiously at me, I give them a good kicking with the flossing cord – and by Jove do they kick up a stink!  I did ask my dentist if there’s such a thing as barbed flossing wire but he said he didn’t know of any.

Finally, and this is my favourite part, we come to the pisté tea resistancé: the barfing. I select two fingers from my right hand, press the tips of them against the back of my throat, and let the magic of nature do the rest. Out come all those nasty bits of offal from the night before and all of a sudden my head will be spinning with delight and happiness. Don’t be shy or nervous about it, just let it all out. You ever seen a cow do a doo-doo? It just expels it’s nonsense as quick as a flash and carries right on with its business as if nothing happened. In fact cats are a bit like that as well and everyone loves cats.

If you find that a chunk of sweetcorn or a sliver of a noodle gets stuck in between your teeth, don’t worry: I like to leave it there as a final ‘up yours’ to my gums.

Lastly, be sure to ‘go naked’ with your fingers during the barfing stage; I did experiment with some protective sheaths a while ago but found that the rubber kills the sensation somewhat.

19 responses to “Everyone should brush, floss, and barf thrice daily

  1. Karen 03/05/2014 at 9:35 AM

    I would like to see one about the nhs and sugar next please ;)

  2. David Stringer 03/05/2014 at 12:42 PM

    Gums are the enemy of good dental hygiene, and should be beaten, cut, and tortured into submission.

    I’ll give this new routine a try out tonight!

  3. beckyday6 03/05/2014 at 2:53 PM

    I’ll pass on the barfing thanks!

  4. Lily 03/05/2014 at 5:11 PM

    Even after reading the title, I hoped the last step would be mouthwash. I was like, hmm he might turn out to be normal…but no.

  5. Addie 03/06/2014 at 1:59 AM

    Brushing? Check
    Flossing? Check
    Barfing? No gag reflex.

  6. gingerfightback 03/06/2014 at 7:46 AM

    I find myself moved to tears…..

  7. Anna 03/24/2014 at 9:14 PM

    This oddly sounds more pleasant than using Corsodyl following the flossing.

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