Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Goddam liberal assholes at NASA are ruining the galaxy

nasaLast night, during a conversation with my buddies, I was astounded when I discovered that something I had always taken for granted as being the holy, heavenly truth had been taken away from me:

In 2006, scientists decided that Pluto was no longer a planet.

I felt as if someone had reached deep inside me and ripped my heart out.  Pluto has been a part of our democratic culture ever since my science teacher first pointed at a poster of the solar system and told the class, repeatedly, that Pluto is a planet.  It was something that everyone accepted as the truth and no-one had any reason to think otherwise.

Of course these days the teachers seem more interested in having sex with their pupils than giving them an education, which is directly responsible for the current situation where everyone’s favourite celestial body is Jupiter – as clear a indication as any that the liberals are poisoning society.  Liberals are naturally attracted to anything that is big, centralised, and has the kind of gravitational pull that impinges on everyone’s freedoms, so it stands to reason that they’re behind this particular outrage.

Me?  I always favoured Pluto, that little guy at the back minding his own business as he slowly worked his way up in the world.  He was a pioneer, a maverick who had to make do with what little scraps of radioactive warmth were left after all the fat lazy planets who sit there doing nothing had taken their bites first.  I know for a fact that Saturn doesn’t do shit except flaunt and wave his rings around like a big pussy, biding his time until he can jump on the gay marriage bandwagon.

Just what sort of message does all this send out to our kids?  It tells them that no matter how many lawns they’re willing to mow each summer and no matter how many unpaid intern positions they decide to try their hand at, some fat pervert who calls himself a scientist can just come along and take it all away from them.

It’s pure horse shit.

17 responses to “Goddam liberal assholes at NASA are ruining the galaxy

  1. No Blog Intended 02/26/2014 at 3:39 PM

    Pluto is like the black sheep… Can we go hug him?

  2. El Guapo 02/26/2014 at 4:10 PM

    I just want to know why all my teachers were more interested in lying about planets than having sex with me.

  3. NotAPunkRocker 02/26/2014 at 5:20 PM

    I am reliving the pain of that decision all over again just through your words. *sniffle*

  4. Lily 02/26/2014 at 6:40 PM

    Dude you are not alone. I think our entire generation and those before us were very angry at Pluto’s drop off. I always liked Earth because it seems to have the best stuff on it. All the other planets seem pretty boring with their craters and dunes and ice and shit. But I do like Saturn’s rings.

  5. Addie 02/27/2014 at 5:50 PM

    Tell me about it. Why didn’t they decide that BEFORE I had to ‘help’ my children make those damn Solar System models?? WHY?!?

  6. M T McGuire 02/28/2014 at 7:30 AM

    They’ve found another planet out there though, it’s called Bob.

  7. jbmumofone 02/28/2014 at 10:11 PM

    Can you de-label a planet like that? Surely that is a breach of planetary rights? Someone should start a petition *peers at a Daily Mail reader*.

  8. whywerescrewed 04/17/2014 at 2:28 AM

    Another thing those NASA folks like to do is ban the Chinese from collaborating with them, e.g.

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/20/world/asia/china-nasa-drama/

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