Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Odds and Podds

odds and sodds

FAO Gas companies: Inspire confidence in your services by sending free ‘bite size’ samples of your product through the post. People would be thrilled to receive a small canister that contained just enough gas to grill a slice of cheese on toast.

John, Plymouth

If you’re planning on throwing a surprise party for your dad on Father’s Day, be sure to check that the dozy old sod hasn’t made an impromptu visit to his own parents. I was stuck out on the porch for ages and the kissogram refused to give me a refund.

Geoff R, Cambs

An assortment of cheerleader pom-poms scattered around your garden are ideal for fooling people into believing that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader team practice their dance routines in your garden.

Junior, Dallas

FAO Phone companies: Inspire confidence in your services by making it practically impossible to locate a contact telephone number anywhere on your website.

Susan T, Paris

FAO dog owners: next time you scoop up some poop, don’t throw the bag away. Instead, use it as convenient stress ball for when the little bastard ignores your calls when it’s time to go home.

John G, Pets r Us

FAO sluts in the Grimbledon area: I recently split up with my girlfriend, so I’m looking for an easy ride just after payday. I’ll be in the Dog and Duck from 7pm on Saturday. The sheets will be clean and the fridge will have plenty of Toblerone if the ‘buy one, get one free’ offer is still running at the corner shop.

Graham J, Grimbledon Upon Sea

9 responses to “Odds and Podds

  1. Addie 06/26/2013 at 3:21 PM

    Loved the first one the most!

  2. ocdreader 06/26/2013 at 3:53 PM

    ah man, I can’t get the stress ball idea out of my head! ewwww, too funny

  3. Chris Workman 06/29/2013 at 3:25 PM

    Hi Michael, glad to see you’re still going at it. Particularly like the one about the lack of contact details on company websites – often find that to be the case. Hope you’re well.

  4. David Stringer 07/16/2013 at 2:00 PM

    I would take the advice about the Dallas cheerleaders, but I don’t want people realising I’ve got them kidnapped in my basement.

    I’ll be asking gas companies for free samples next time I switch suppliers.

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