Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Nick Clegg reviews nuclear power

Hi, Cleggers here. Or ‘Cleggety ClopsNick Clegg‘ as I’m known in certain sections of The House of Lords.

So then, nuclear powers – who wants one?  I had a meeting with a nuclear engineer man the other day, and he was a very interesting chap.  He was telling me all about radioactivity and why you need to wear gloves when picking up lumps of uranium.  I had always assumed that uranium would have little finger holes like those ten-pin bowling balls do, but he said they didn’t.  Just before he went home, he gave me a free pen and I really like it ‘cos when I press the presser down, the radiation symbol on the side lights up. It reminded me a bit of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and I was a massive fan of them guys back in the day. Well, apart from Raphael that is – he was just a grouch. I liked Donatello’s stick, but Michaelangelo was the best of the lot. I asked the nuclear engineer man if he wanted to go halves on a pizza, but the miserable sod said no. Obviously, his favourite turtle was Raphael.

Right, nuclear power. It sounds BRILL and I have to confess that I’m not a big fan of coal these days.  Coal power stations, coal fires, and coalition governments – all of them sound great at first, but after a while they start to get on your tits. I did read that if you crushed a big bit of coal really hard, you could make a diamond. I decided to give this a try, and fished around in my shed for a pair of gloves. I did find them eventually but then I remembered I didn’t have any coal, which put a bit of a downer on things. It reminded me of that time when I went to go and get a lottery ticket, but I somehow lost my £1 coin on the way to the shop. Funds were low at Lib Dem HQ at the time, so we had to go without heating for a week.

Not to be disheartened by my coal-crushing failure, I decided to practice the technique on some eggs. Someone once told me that eggs are really strong, so it was an ideal opportunity to test this theory out. Mind you, I remember when I decided to test out another theory, whereby sitting on an egg would make it hatch into a cute baby chicken – I made a right mess of the chaise longue. Anyway, egg crushing. I somehow lost my gloves, so I had to use an old sock instead. Of course, then I couldn’t remember where I left the eggs.

So, all in all, coal is a load of old crap.

11 responses to “Nick Clegg reviews nuclear power

  1. Anonymous 05/06/2013 at 10:54 AM

    Haha this made me laugh so much! Good job Michael, you really got me at the COAL-ition and halving a pizza. I did watch a few ninja turtles things when I was little but I never really got into it and I can’t remember who the hell Raphael is now, LOL.

  2. Addie 05/06/2013 at 3:24 PM

    My first chortle of the day!

  3. Karen 05/16/2013 at 11:21 AM

    That’s so funny :D

  4. Lily 05/17/2013 at 11:27 PM

    Clegg sounds like a super competent leader. Hah if talking about Ninja Turtles is all it takes to be in the House of Lords, I’d like to take a shot at it!

  5. Anna 05/19/2013 at 5:53 PM

    Nuclear power is only going to be useful when it gives me superpowers. WHEN.

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