A cannibal does your horoscopes

Us ‘bals get a bit of a bad rep these days, so I’m here to try and improve our image a bit.  And what better way to kick things off, than with a bit of horoscoping?  It’s perfect for introducing an element of my culture into the soft, fleshy side of western civilisation.  There were actually supposed to be two us doing this, but my colleague couldn’t make it for reasons way beyond my control; I asked the stewardess for some peanuts, and she said they had run out, and I was kind of hungry, and you know what happens when I get hungry.

It took me hours to flush the remains of his fibular down the toilet.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

The outlook is bright, especially if you live in Finland where the sun never sets.  Actually, them Finns are an odd bunch, always so white, pasty, and yucky looking, yet after a mere three hours in the oven they look just like chicken!  Marvellous, eh?  Anyway, if you fancy a change from the usual holidays to Spain, Greece, and Mogadishu, pop over to one of them Nordic places.  You’re in for a delicious treat, I guarantee it.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

The local cinema has lowered its ticket prices for midweek showings, so anyone with a day off should pop along for a bargain.  Personally, I’ve always found the cinema to be quite stressful, especially during the summer.  Everyone always seems to be walking around in flip flops, and the sight of all those vulnerable, juicy little toes can make me feel rather peckish after a while.  By the way, my favourite film is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Bored?  Then why not plant a tree?  It gets you out in the open air, and if you’re lucky a cute little sparrow might make a nest in it.  Back home, the more nervous members of my tribe stand under trees so that they get covered in bird poo, in an attempt to make themselves seem less appealing when food starts to run out.  It actually worked for a while, until a hipster counter-culture community sprang up and started eating all the ugly ones first.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Are you the active type?  Now that the weather is edging closer to spring, it’s the ideal time to dust down those trainers and get fit again.  Whether you’re looking for a string of human gut for your tennis racquet, or pumping up that pygmy bladder, this is the perfect opportunity to get a head start on everyone else.