Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

The return of Nurse Ratched

nurse ratched‘Sup, y’all?  Have you missed me?  I sure hope so, otherwise I’ll be spiking your talcum powder with anthrax.  I’ve been in a sporty mood recently, and decided to get myself involved with a local hockey club.  I don’t bother with the training sessions as I don’t like it when people tell me what to do, but the pain you can inflict on your opponents with those sticks is marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

It’s been snowing recently and my husband refuses to get out there and clear the driveway, no matter how many times I ask him.  What should I do?

If you’re the type who likes getting their hands dirty, I’d recommend tying him to a chair and force feeding him some of the yellow snow that you always see outside Battersea Dog’s Home.  Failing that, get yourself on Ebay and bid on one of those landmines that the jihadists are always trying to sell.  Pop it into hubby’s coat pocket, and the next time he has to hold onto the fence to stop himself from slipping over on the ice, he’ll be blown to smithereens!  If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

A boy at my school has bad breath, and he keeps talking to me.  I don’t want him talking to me, ‘cos of his smelly breath.  What should I do?

You need to teach this little scrote a lesson, that’s what.  I suggest buying some mints, and that you shove them in his gob when he is least expecting it.  Use a hammer if needs be, and make sure he reimburses you as there’s no need for you to be out of pocket when seeking justice.  Alternatively, you could stick a photo of him on an envelope, slide a lump of dog shit inside it and then send it to him by post.  Keep doing this until he gets the message, or moves house.  If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself.

18 responses to “The return of Nurse Ratched

  1. No Blog Intended 01/28/2013 at 3:03 PM

    This is so freaky. Like yesterday I was thinking about Nurse Ratched and her great advise to kill yourself. Dear lord I DID miss you! What should I do?

    • Michael Cargill 01/28/2013 at 8:37 PM

      NBI, I have to admit I have a ‘lil soft spot for you, but you’re in danger of being a bit of a creep. And I cannot stand people who stand and stare at me in awe.

      I think you should kill yourself.

      From Nurse Ratched.

  2. A Gripping Life 01/29/2013 at 1:09 AM

    I’ve really missed Nurse Ratched! I love the advice to deal with smelly breath. Putting dog poo and a photo of the offender in an envelope is a sure winner. I’m gonna have to try that. :)

  3. Addie 01/29/2013 at 1:15 AM

    I, too, have missed NR and her amazing advice to those fearless enough to write her!!

  4. Anna 01/29/2013 at 1:34 PM

    I have seriously missed Nurse Ratched. Only the other day I was looking at the coffee granules someone had mixed in with the sugar pot at work, and her dulcid advice crept into my brain and did a hefty dance all over.

    ‘If that doesn’t work, you should kill yourself’. SO MUCH LOVE.

  5. David Stringer 01/29/2013 at 3:18 PM

    I’ve missed Nurse Ratched – her advice really does cheer me up.

    I think there may be something wrong with me…

  6. Lorna's Voice 01/29/2013 at 6:39 PM

    Hey, Michael, I just found you on LinkedIn. Small world–or so it seems. Guess I’ll follow you here, too. I’m new to publishing and to all this social media stuff. But I have to get on with it because I have to promote my book. You seem like someone who knows what he’s doing. :)

  7. Lily 02/01/2013 at 7:12 AM

    Nurse Ratched is my fave. She takes no prisoners. I can really relate to he harshness for some reason…

  8. emaginette 02/02/2013 at 6:50 PM

    Yellow snow, no one deserve yellow snow, but tying him to the chair sounds fair. hehehe

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