Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Steve Jobs speaks from heaven

steve jobsHey there my good disciples, how y’all doing? Have you missed me? Of course you have! That turtle-neck sweater factory at the end of your road, I trust that it’s still keeping you awake at night as it churns out the old turtles non-stop? Or Turts as I like to call them. For those that don’t know, I had a trust fund setup in my name before I died. And when I say ‘died’ I actually mean ‘shot by that man on the grassy knoll’. Anyway, this fund was set up to ensure that there is enough cash to keep them factories ticking over so that there will be an ample supply of Turts for me when I return. And when I say ‘return’, I actually mean ‘immaculate resurrection’.

And why wouldn’t I want to return? It’s kind of stuffy up here sometimes and the bearded bloke who goes around telling people off is getting on my tits. He has a really weird name as well, something like ‘Dog’.

A while ago I had the neat idea of getting a drama group going so we could put on some shows for all the unhappy souls that end up here. I had this amazing idea for a play where I was this wise leader in a country known as ‘Few’ and I had the title of The King of the Fews. The play had a dramatic climax where some bad people come along and try to kill me by nailing my arms to two planks of wood at the top of a grassy knoll. I even thought up some nifty little ideas like me wearing a crown of thorns and some soppy bloke called Peter betraying me because he’s such a big pussy.

I wrote a huge ten-page script out on some really nice paper and proudly presented it to Dog; the miserable sod went bloody mental! I swear, there was steam coming out of his ears and he looked like he was going to start shooting thunderbolts out of his arse. It was then that I decided to make myself scarce and went away to hide under my Turt blanket for a while. All the excitement was wearing and it wasn’t long before I drifted off to sleep. I then had a lovely dream where everyone was walking around wearing white earphones and swiping their fingers across touchscreen smartphones. There were shops on every street corner, all of them bearing my name on the front and burning candles lined every pavement. A secret police force went around making sure that no-one picked their nose lest they dirty the front of their electronic devices.

Imagine Stalinist Russia but instead of that moustachioed twat, there are pictures of cuddly old me all over the place.  Now that’s what heaven should be like.

19 responses to “Steve Jobs speaks from heaven

  1. No Blog Intended 07/16/2012 at 10:23 AM

    Your brain knows no limits.
    Dear Dog, how I love that.

  2. Julie Rainey 07/16/2012 at 3:37 PM

    Turt…hehehe :) Just makes me giggle.

  3. Mooselicker 07/16/2012 at 10:38 PM

    You can only think of yourself as a “Dog” if there are a lot of false believers among you.

    I hate Apple products. I sold my iPod to a man with one testicle at a concert last winter.

  4. Linda 07/17/2012 at 10:25 AM

    Your mind is just a wonder to behold sometimes Michael.

  5. breezyk 07/17/2012 at 10:49 PM

    what better combo is there than a man, his turtleneck and a drama group? Actually, don’t answer that. There are many, many better combos. Like peanut butter and banana for one. Or wine and a big glass. (And yes I am just looking at things around me right now and saying that I like them.)

  6. Addie 07/18/2012 at 4:40 PM

    The miracle I want Steve to accomplish is to lower the prices of his white headphone connected devices so I can afford to replace my five year old model.

    That is all.

  7. roastedkeyboard 07/22/2012 at 12:07 AM

    I own so many black shirts that my neighbor’s niece told me that if I bought anymore i’ll become ‘Sieve Jobby’ LOL

  8. Anna 07/23/2012 at 7:36 AM

    I thought I’d commented on this one already… my mind seems to have decieved me!
    Did you ever see The Inbetweeners movie? ‘I stopped believing in God when I realised it was “dog” spelt backwards’ :D

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