Steve Dog writes 50 Shades of Grey, for blokes

Oy oy, saveloy.  Steve Dog here, and I have to say, I’ve been proper busy lately.  A man’s world is never finished, and I’m living proof of that fact.  If I’m not working on a business venture of one kind or another, then I’m out making sure people ain’t taking the piss.  It was only last week, that I heard some aggro going on outside my gaff, and I had to go and put a stop to some teenage mischief.

Not too long ago, I was relaxing in my front room, when some woman came on the telly.  Normally, I don’t take much notice of what women have to say, ‘cos it’s usually about shoes, or wasps, or something.  Anyway, this chubby bird, she was called E.L. James, and was talking about some book she had wrote, called 50 Shades of Grey.  From what I could make out, it seems that it’s like a porno mag, but with words instead of pictures.  Sounds a bit rubbish, but somehow she has made a bloody fortune, ‘cos womens are loving it.

Now, I’ve written a few books meself, and you may have heard of ‘em.  My most famous was Uniforms for Bouncers: How to wear a suit and tie, without looking like a ponce, though my personal favourite is Time Management and Prudence: Buy new cutlery instead of spending money on a dishwasher.  I’ve decided to have a crack at this word porn thing, and here’s a chunk of what I’ve done so far.  It’s aimed at blokes, rather than womens, ‘cos that’s my main area of expertise, like.

Dave came home from work, feeling a bit tired, but not too tired to have a quick look at some porno websites.  The lads had been talking about some new, Swedish site that was now up and running, and he wanted to check it out.  For dinner, he was planning on having a variety of bacon sandwiches, (one with brown sauce, one with red sauce, and one with both) and then maybe a sausage roll for dessert.  He had been down the racetrack all day, using a drill, a hammer, and other industrial power tools, so his day had been 100% manly.  Anyway, he closed his front door, and immediately noticed something different: the place didn’t smell of farts like it usually did, but of perfume, and he could see why.  Right there in front of him, was some Swedish woman, completely naked, doing all kinds of sexy faces at him.  She blatantly wanted it that was for sure, and Dave got stuck in right away, no messing about.  She didn’t even ask him to light any candles or anything either.  She had a massive pair of tits, and they did all three positions, and she even let him spurt all over her face.  Dave was the sensitive type, so he taught her how to say ‘blowjob’ in English, to save her the indignation of having to do hand signals all the time.

Did I mention her tits?  They were massive.

Good stuff so far, yeah?  It’s proper erotic, and destined for some top awards.  Probably a few top shelves as well, actually.

Peace.