Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Health advice, with physician Dr. Lemon

Hello, dear readers! A warm welcome to you all, with astethoscopen extra warm welcome to those who are permanently bed-ridden with no chance of recovery. I trust your bedpans have been emptied and your sheets aren’t too soiled? I often get people asking me how I manage to look so fit and healthy all the time. Well, the secret is simple: cleanliness! All over my house there are alcohol-free anti-bacterial soap dispensers that I use every time I move from one room to another. It means there are no bedroom germs in my bathroom and certainly no garden shed germs in the kitchen. I always make sure to have a quick rinse and a shower after I have a bath – there is nothing worse than ruining a nice soak by standing up and covering yourself in your own muck again.

Dear Dr. Lemon

Last week, I sprained my ankle when I was doing the gardening in my high heels. This isn’t something that I normally do but I had locked myself out of the house and the secateurs where in my handbag anyway. However, no matter what medication I take, the pain and the stiffness won’t go away. What do you advise?

Ouch! Sprained ankles are indeed a nuisance not least because it can be awkward trying to balance yourself as you brush your teeth or when waving away a persistent wasp. I would recommend regular warm soapy rinses for this troublesome joint of yours. The body thrives in a clean environment, so if you happen to have a small oxygen-free tent that you can rest your foot in I suggest you make full use of it. Be sure to have a bath and a shower before leaving the house as well.

Dear Dr. Lemon

Recently, I have been suffering from awful toothache despite the fact that I rarely eat anything that is sugary or sweet. I have been to the dentist but he can’t see what is wrong. What do you advise?

Deary me that sounds terrible! A sore mouth makes it hard to order a coffee in the morning, especially when trying to explain to the server that you want them to use the specially sterilised cup that you brought out with you. First things first, make sure your wife isn’t using any cheap discounted lipstick – some of the chemicals that go into budget cosmetics are frightfully dirty. I would also recommend that you make frequent use of steamed flannels like you get in some Indian restaurants. This opens your pores up, allowing your body to cleanse itself. Lastly, make sure you keep your mouth closed whenever you have a hot shower; the steam will be chock full of grime and muck and you don’t want any of that nonsense swirling around those unbrushed molars of yours.

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24 responses to “Health advice, with physician Dr. Lemon

  1. Anna 07/02/2012 at 1:49 PM

    Useful advice there about not swallowing shower water, I’d been doing this for years and only realised what a danger it was after getting crabs. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, PEOPLE.

  2. Julie Rainey 07/02/2012 at 4:55 PM

    I do believe the doc is a teensy bit OCD.

  3. No Blog Intended 07/02/2012 at 7:22 PM

    You make me scared of hot showers.
    And touching things.
    And breathing.

  4. AgrippingLife 07/02/2012 at 10:22 PM

    If only cleanliness would solve tooth problems!

  5. Mooselicker 07/02/2012 at 10:26 PM

    I know I sent the question in anonymously, but thank you for the advice! Never again will I garden in my heels.

  6. emaginette 07/03/2012 at 1:26 AM

    Well done. Too funny.

  7. Pete Howorth 07/03/2012 at 5:34 AM

    Dear Dr. Lemon,

    I went out on a night out last week and someone managed to date rape me. It wasn’t hard as they said “Do you want this drink I’ve found” and I said, “Yes.” the morning after I’ve had the biggest itchy crotch ever and I don’t know where it came from or how to get rid of it, please help?!

  8. The Creative Outpost 07/03/2012 at 6:36 PM

    I guess this means I should never get sick! lol

  9. Lily 07/03/2012 at 6:50 PM

    Haha I like Dr. Lemon. He really knows what’s up. I want antibacterial dispensers in my house now.

  10. Lubna 07/04/2012 at 9:31 AM

    Dr Lemon sounds like a sweet bloke. Is he the one who invented the prescription of warm water with a squeeze of lemon every morning, to help over taxed brains or was it for stubborn digestive systems? Tell him, it isn’t helping me! He had also suggested watching a rainbow every morning, to keep the spirits up, as you can tell, I am grumpy, because there ain’t no sign of a rainbow anywhere.

  11. GrumpyITGuy 07/05/2012 at 3:02 PM

    Hello sir! I was pointed your way by Chris at the Creative Outpost, he recommended I may enjoy your postings. He was correct! New follower.

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