Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Dear Mr Politician, thank you for your leaflet

Dear Mr Simpson, Conservative MP for London South Westrosette

The other morning I was woken up by the heavy footsteps of the postman as he trudged his way towards my front door. He must have been very excited as he shoved something through my letterbox really hard; well it was either that or he tripped up on the cat that usually lies across the driveway. Actually, I think that is the more likely scenario because I heard him swear at something and nobody has seen the cat for two days now.

When I first picked the leaflet up off the mat I was struck with just how fresh it felt, especially when some of the red ink rubbed off on my hand. To me this is a good sign because if I go into the bakers to buy a knotted roll, I want those yummy glazed sesame seeds to flake off as I pick it up. The loose ink on your leaflet is an endearing feature that gives me the impression that you like bread, just as I do. This is both reassuring and educational, as I have always wondered what politicians feed themselves during their time at Westminster; up until now I had always thought it was a combination of coffee and bullshit.

When I opened the leaflet I was drawn to the faux-professionalism of its contents. Dearest constituent it said, reminding me of just how serious politics is. It also reminded me of that time when the bank sent me a birthday card addressed To the account holder. Although it was only four words I felt as if my bank manager had personally popped round to say “We’ve got your personal details and your money, so fuck you.” Likewise, your leaflet referring to me as a constituent is a firm reminder that if I’m unhappy with what you’re doing, no matter how much you may have licked my arse to get me to vote for you in the first place, you won’t put up with any kind of rebellious nonsense from me. I confess to preferring my overlords to be firm, powerful and jealously paranoid, and you seem to fit the bill perfectly.

I especially liked the photo that was on page two of the leaflet of you standing there in someone’s front garden. The lawn was long enough to avoid alienating any crop-growing farmers, yet also short enough to show off the tasteful tartan slippers that the middle aged woman standing next to you was wearing. I obviously don’t know whether she was a constituent or your mother but she looked suitably terrified of your limp and clammy hands and of the sycophantic grin that was plastered across your chubby face. I must say, I was impressed with how lush and healthy the grass looked. If I was a dog I definitely wouldn’t want to ruin it by squatting down and taking a shit on it. Instead, I would do my business in the middle of the pavement and then go onto the grass to do that funny thing that some dogs do when they clean their arse by dragging themselves across the floor.

Unfortunately I’m not a dog so would it be okay if I came to your house and shit all over your doorstep instead?

Yours sincerely,

Constituent.

34 responses to “Dear Mr Politician, thank you for your leaflet

  1. Karen 06/25/2012 at 10:08 AM

    You’re lucky. I never get birthday cards from my bank, just statements telling me to pay this or pay that or else. And I have never received a personal letter from a politician. I did have two lovely old ladies come and visit me once, before the election. They didn’t seem quite so pleased after I told them I already am voting for that guy. I guess they didn’t like him and were hoping I would vote for their opposition :D

  2. breezyk 06/25/2012 at 11:42 AM

    Last year I lived in a neighbourhood that bordered Chinatown, and so all of the election pamhplets I received were in both English and Chinese. I really appreciated that personal touch as well.

  3. AgrippingLife 06/25/2012 at 12:18 PM

    Great post, Michael! I get the treatment from my local politicians and they’re always so friendly. Sadly, most of my birthday cards are from local businesses – they always make me feel so loved, they’re so sincere.

  4. No Blog Intended 06/25/2012 at 4:08 PM

    They’ve made the grass look greener with Photoshop for sure! I never read those things, though I should from now on.
    But I won’t. Probably I’ll be voting randomly for the rest of my life…
    (Sorry for your cat, by the way. Hopefully (s)he returns!)

  5. Emily 06/25/2012 at 5:26 PM

    If only he was a dog…

  6. Lily 06/25/2012 at 6:27 PM

    I don’t know if I like politicians. Actually I know I don’t. But then again, I’ve never received a birthday card from any of them! Jerks…

  7. Addie 06/25/2012 at 6:52 PM

    At least the merchant cards delivered for birthdays give you some sort of free gift. Politicians give you a headache.

  8. The Creative Outpost 06/25/2012 at 7:02 PM

    And the bank adds fees so that you pay for your own generic card!

  9. beckyday6 06/25/2012 at 7:37 PM

    Haaa, it’s always the pictures that get me. Spot on Michael!

    • Michael Cargill 06/25/2012 at 8:14 PM

      This post was inspired by an actual leaflet I got several years ago. The bloke was a right fat twat, with a moustache, shaking hands with some middle aged bint in her apron.

      I sent him a sarcastic email, but never got a response back.

  10. Mooselicker 06/25/2012 at 9:12 PM

    A friend of mine asked me to help him hand out those leaflets one year. We would split the $100. We worked for about 20 minutes and only handed out about 15 total. I learned that day how Democracy is in the hands of teenagers who do not care.

    • Michael Cargill 06/26/2012 at 10:49 AM

      I think this was touched on during an episode of The Wire actually. They were giving money to the drug dealers to hand the leaflets out, and I think some of them just threw the leaflets away.

  11. Kate Warren 06/26/2012 at 12:03 AM

    Reminds me of something I sent back to a political group once. Except that mine was less funny.

  12. easyondeyes 06/26/2012 at 10:35 AM

    Lol! Very, very well written and brilliantly hilarious! Thanks! :D

  13. Julie Rainey 06/26/2012 at 4:44 PM

    Stupid politicians. They’re everywhere. I think they might even survive a nuclear holocaust, right beside cockroaches. Grrrr.

  14. Katie 06/27/2012 at 11:52 PM

    Hi,
    New follower via Twitter, I would love it if you could stop by sometime.

    Katie @ http://curseofthebibliophile.blogspot.com/

  15. Lubna 07/04/2012 at 9:36 AM

    I think you haven’t yet got a leaflet, addressing you as: Dear taxpayer. When you get one, let us know how you feel.

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