Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Snivelling toads really get my goat

My name is Joseph O’Reilly and I am a self-made man who justoadt gets on with things; when confronted with a problem I can make my mind up very quickly about what needs to be done. I can yay or nay an idea in seconds, bish-bosh! I juggle the ying and the yang of everything around in my head and the entire world slows right down to a crawl. You know the slow motion stuff in the Matrix? It’s kind of like that but without the guns and the crap acting; it’s all happening in my head, baby, and in my head I am the Lord of the Dance. Lord of the Dance? Oh bejesus McMurphy why did I think about that? It reminds me of my arch enemy from Lord of the Rings, Samwise the hobbit.

Oh mercy me he is the worst person on the planet. I hate his fat face. I hate his whining voice. I hate his splaying, dirty feet. Of all the people in the world who manage to never step onto an upturned plug, why him? He goes around barefooted the whole time! I hope he dies of verruca poisoning after trying to scratch his ears with his big toe or something. Why do I hate this creature, you ask? Because he is nothing but a snivelling toad of course! “Oh, Mr Frodo, shall I share the burden?” “Oh, Mr Frodo, can I comb your hair?” “Oh, Mr Frodo, can I stick my finger in your ring?” It’s nothing short of snivelling toadery and he’s like Ross from Friends minus the testicles.

Oh sweet Mary Jesus, you got me going now! Ross from Friends? A horrendous toad if there ever was one. He is the sort of man who has to ring his mother when he wants to put a set of shelves up, a horrendous drip of a person. He reminds me of a nephew of mine, another utterly atrocious example of a man. He will stare at the contents of his fridge for ages before deciding what to have on a sandwich. For God’s sake man, just grab the cheese and the pickle, and get slicing and slopping! It’s as easy as bish-bosh! Spit-spot! I have usually eaten and put my slippers on before he has finished choosing between butter or margarine.

And before you ask, yes they were on a break.

24 responses to “Snivelling toads really get my goat

  1. Little Miss 06/04/2012 at 10:16 AM

    Haha bish-bosh!
    I’m so with Rachel on the whole ‘we were on a break!’ situation.
    In my man hunt I shall now avoid Frodo’s and Ross’s! :)

  2. Karen 06/04/2012 at 1:40 PM

    I’m indecisive and a procrastinator – but it’s okay I suppose because I’m not a man :P

  3. Addie 06/04/2012 at 3:44 PM

    Decisions? Piffle, who needs them?

  4. No Blog Intended 06/04/2012 at 3:47 PM

    Decisions are HARD. Even when it’s between butter and margarine. I mean, wrong choices are everywhere…!
    o, and without Sam, there wouldn’t have been LOTR anyway. And without Ross no Friends. And then the planet would have been even more depressing. So yay for them toads!

  5. Lily 06/04/2012 at 6:49 PM

    I like him. He finds something to dislike about most people. I can relate.

  6. The Creative Outpost 06/04/2012 at 9:16 PM

    Ross was a sniveling example of a man!

  7. mj monaghan 06/05/2012 at 12:00 AM

    Ah, Samwise essential, Ross could be tossed.

    Diggin’ the vibe of your blog, Michael. Don’t know that I’ve ever been here. Found you through Becky (now Anne) Day.

  8. Carol 06/05/2012 at 1:13 AM

    OMG! Hilarious! But you forgot the ‘Lookin’ good, Mr. Kotter!’ look he sported in high school. That says it all. Don’t get me started on Sam ‘I’m not droppin’ no eaves, I’m just spyin’ on my boss crush’ Gamgee.

  9. AgrippingLife 06/05/2012 at 1:36 PM

    Joseph O’Reilly and I are practically twins. I never procrastinate and I’m usually very decisive. I don’t have the patience for people who wimper about their choices. Is it any wonder that Lily is my child?

  10. noonebutabloghead 06/09/2012 at 4:04 PM

    Is there actually a difference between butter and margerine? I usually just pick whichever one’s nearest the front of the fridge. Unless it’s that non-spreadable Lurpak, cos if I used that I’d end up taking big chunks of butter and tearing the bread. Grrr.
    Douglas plays a mean trumpet, but his corpse isn’t suitable for sandwiches.

  11. Anna 06/10/2012 at 7:58 PM

    Why haven’t I commented on this before? I was so sure I did. Now I can’t think of the witty comment I had before, so instead I’m just going to put a smiley face :)

  12. Pingback: Snivelling toads really get my goat

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