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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Snivelling toads really get my goat
06/04/2012Posted by on
My name is Joseph O’Reilly and I am a self-made man who just gets on with things; when confronted with a problem I can make my mind up very quickly about what needs to be done. I can yay or nay an idea in seconds, bish-bosh! I juggle the ying and the yang of everything around in my head and the entire world slows right down to a crawl. You know the slow motion stuff in the Matrix? It’s kind of like that but without the guns and the crap acting; it’s all happening in my head, baby, and in my head I am the Lord of the Dance. Lord of the Dance? Oh bejesus McMurphy why did I think about that? It reminds me of my arch enemy from Lord of the Rings, Samwise the hobbit.
Oh mercy me he is the worst person on the planet. I hate his fat face. I hate his whining voice. I hate his splaying, dirty feet. Of all the people in the world who manage to never step onto an upturned plug, why him? He goes around barefooted the whole time! I hope he dies of verruca poisoning after trying to scratch his ears with his big toe or something. Why do I hate this creature, you ask? Because he is nothing but a snivelling toad of course! “Oh, Mr Frodo, shall I share the burden?” “Oh, Mr Frodo, can I comb your hair?” “Oh, Mr Frodo, can I stick my finger in your ring?” It’s nothing short of snivelling toadery and he’s like Ross from Friends minus the testicles.
Oh sweet Mary Jesus, you got me going now! Ross from Friends? A horrendous toad if there ever was one. He is the sort of man who has to ring his mother when he wants to put a set of shelves up, a horrendous drip of a person. He reminds me of a nephew of mine, another utterly atrocious example of a man. He will stare at the contents of his fridge for ages before deciding what to have on a sandwich. For God’s sake man, just grab the cheese and the pickle, and get slicing and slopping! It’s as easy as bish-bosh! Spit-spot! I have usually eaten and put my slippers on before he has finished choosing between butter or margarine.
And before you ask, yes they were on a break.