Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Scrabble, Scrabble, toil and double word score

scrabbleHello dearies, Grandma Marlow here.  These days my kids are all grown up know-it-alls with big, fancy houses full of iPod this and Call of Duty that.  The other day my grandson was showing me how clever he was by beating someone in a game of World of Warcraft.  It was kind of impressive I guess but, to be honest, it all looked a bit amateur and fly-by-night; if there is one thing that everyone in this family will remember, it was the day I scored 365 points in one turn at Scrabble.  QUIXOTRY, I salute you.  Double word tiles, you and me are best friends forever.  I have been the Christmas family gathering Scrabble champion ten times in a row now and not one of those so-called educated whipper snappers with their so-called Wikipedia smartboxes can get anywhere near me.

Whenever any of them come round, I can see the fear on their faces the moment they put their foot on my doorstep.  Sometimes I can even smell it as the memories of a decade’s worth of defeats overwhelms them.  Yeah, that’s right sweetie.  Grandma’s bones might be flaking and her wings might be bingoing, but her mind is as sharp as it was way back when she used to shout wild obscenities at strangers walking past her house.  You see that welcome mat you are wiping your feet on?  Yeah, that’s right honey; it’s a psychological booby trap ‘cos you know and I know that you aint ever gonna manage to spell that word out on this here Scrabble board.  Nuh-uh, toots.  Nuh-uh.

Remember those times when you would feed your dinner to the dog when you thought I wasn’t looking?  I would slave away making a nice offal bake only for you to laugh at me behind my back.  Oh, and remember that time you dropped a pickled onion in my cup of tea?  Well, it’s payback time baby and I aim to get my revenge thrice-fold; crack open the Scrabble DELUXE box and let’s partay ’til sundown.

You, me, FLATFISH and the triple-word score have got a jamboree to attend.

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23 responses to “Scrabble, Scrabble, toil and double word score

  1. breezyk 05/28/2012 at 5:51 PM

    So this is only tangentially related, but yesterday when I was at Kensington Market (a big closed off street market near China Town in Toronto) they had a giant game of scrabble happening in the middle of the street. The board was about 12 feet by 12 feet, and each of the letters was like a foot long and a foot wide. I probably messed up the scale completely because I’m not a scrabble afficionado, but I do know that it was really cool and I wanted to play.

  2. Julie Rainey 05/28/2012 at 7:53 PM

    That grandma’s a tricky one.

  3. No Blog Intended 05/28/2012 at 8:07 PM

    But but but grandma, that onion wasn’t me, it was my brother! I swear!

  4. messymusings05 05/28/2012 at 8:16 PM

    Love that game! We are going to have to get you playing, “Sramble with Friends”.

  5. Lily 05/28/2012 at 10:53 PM

    Grandma Marlow is a crazy Scrabble genius. Maybe they can find a way to use the scrabble letters on her gravestone?

  6. Anna 05/29/2012 at 1:28 PM

    My Grandad’s a bit like this. We need him and Grandma Marlow in a Scrabble-till-death kind of tournament where the winner gets some free Werther’s Originals, or something. You know, old people stuff, like.

  7. UniSciKill 05/30/2012 at 11:16 AM

    OH YEAH, Granny – I’ll kick your wrinkled, smelly scrabbley ass from one bingo board to the next.

    • Michael Cargill 05/30/2012 at 11:49 AM

      She will smack your head with her stick.

      • UniSciKill 05/30/2012 at 12:08 PM

        Only If the old hag has enough energy left after our ultimate battle of strength and wit: Hungry Hungry Hippies. If that doesn’t tire her out, we’ll play a nice family fun game of Russian roulette complete with real guns and bullets.

  8. A Gripping Life 05/31/2012 at 5:37 PM

    First of all you should know that I haven’t been getting any emails about anyone’s blog. I’m so behind. What’s wrong with stupid wordpress?

    Are Grandma Marlow and Nurse Ratched friends? I think they should be. Grandma Marlow sort of reminds me of my Grandma — I know, scary.

  9. Mooselicker 05/31/2012 at 11:26 PM

    I’m too messy for Scrabble. Boggle is better for people who always smack their knees into objects and drop them as well.

    This started out so innocent then became the rantings of your inner grandmother.

  10. Jon Rieley-Goddard (@baldyblogger) 06/01/2012 at 4:34 PM

    Yr character reminds me of one of mine, Ma, who can’t stand questions. Ask her a question, she goes catatonic. Only wodka will bring her around.

  11. Lubna 06/04/2012 at 6:23 PM

    When you say SCRABBLE, “they” scramble. Happy Scrabbling (?).

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