Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

A Walmart store does your horoscopes

walmartHey there my little humanoid friends, how are you? I’m sad to say that it’s been fairly mundane for most of this week – other than a family of uglies who were desperate for an extra-large bag of cheesy sticks and a Harry Potter book, no-one has done anything outlandish so far. Mind you, that family were all in their pyjamas so I guess I get extra points for that. They wanted to pay for everything in vouchers as well, bleurgh! Call me old fashioned but I prefer my tills being filled with hard cash; there’s less chance of a coin being used as toilet paper.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You know when your backdoors suddenly stop working for no reason? One morning you just wake up and the buggers won’t budge, no matter how much you prod and poke at them. Yep, that’s right, you got constipation and I recommend you give the GO-NOW ex-lax tablets a shot. Aisle 14, shelf 5.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

I’m feeling generous so if you are moving house this week I will let you borrow one of the shopping trolleys that have been left stranded out in the car park. Don’t go abusing this offer though – I don’t want you returning it with a wobbly wheel or using it as a BBQ grill. And if I catch you dumping it in a river I’ll come and break your legs. Capiche?

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Those damn kids have been at the fire extinguishers again and got water everywhere. I swear, one day I will refill them with fart gas and THEN we will see who has the last laugh. Anyway, if you need to mop up any spills then I recommend the tea towels as they are on offer at the moment. They are right next to the beef jerky corn dogs over on aisle 20.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Argh, who knocked down that big stack of baked beans? I bet it was that miserable git in the wheelchair again, he’s a disgrace to humanity and I swear he steals things as well. If you need legal advice, check out the ambulance chaser who hovers around the toilet waiting for someone to slip over. And stop looking at me, I hate you.

20 responses to “A Walmart store does your horoscopes

  1. Julie Rainey 05/02/2012 at 1:32 PM

    Thanks for the shopping cart. :)

  2. Karen 05/02/2012 at 3:51 PM

    Thanks can never do enough mopping haha ;)

  3. Min 05/02/2012 at 8:58 PM

    Walmart, I’d like to here more from you since I am a part of the Walmart shopper observer’s club. It’s fun to once in a while peek into your monkey barrel for a supply of random chuckles and new material to make me chortle.

    Just the other day two of your shoppers got into a heated half-shouty PayDay vs. Butterfinger argument (what made it better was that they were clad in their onesies- they looked like ugly overgrown toddlers). I laughed and laughed and then since I can’t eat either (peanut makes me look like a raspberry) I smirked and got what we all know gives us the most deliciously yummy excruciatingly hard to burn calories for our dollar: the King Size Milky Way. :P

    Also, thank you for the shopping cart, I think this is the best horoscope I’ve had all year ;)

    • Michael Cargill 05/03/2012 at 9:54 AM

      Hello there oh wonderful and faithful member of the WSOB.

      On Wednesday evenings, me and my fellow ‘Marts meet up for a chinwag and a beer. We trade stories of clumsy shelf-stackers, light-fingered checkout girls and people who argue about junkfood.

      Me and my pals had a good chortle about your story.

      Thanks

      Love ‘Marty.

  4. beckyday6 05/02/2012 at 10:06 PM

    Awwh, can’t I be a Cancer, Leo, or Scorpio? I always wanted my own shopping trolly. :P
    Great post, but seriously, how do you come up with this stuff? Haha.
    Also I have tagged you in a fun little Q and A in my blog, you can find out more here: http://beckysblogs.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/q-and-a-session-anyone/ :)

  5. mel 05/03/2012 at 10:53 PM

    uncannily accurate – I was out seeking legal advice today (not for myself I should add) – but he didn’t look like an ambulance chaser…

  6. Addie 05/04/2012 at 12:57 AM

    I put the ca–trolley back by the door. Thanks for letting me borrow it, I repaired it as best I could.

  7. Mooselicker 05/05/2012 at 5:12 PM

    Most of my apartment is carpetted. How do I mop a carpet?

  8. Emily 05/07/2012 at 4:57 PM

    Woooh! I get a trolley, and weirdly enough I was moving haha

  9. Michael Cargill 05/07/2012 at 5:36 PM

    You would probably need a whole warehouse of them to fit all your books in.

  10. lubnafromindia 05/21/2012 at 8:48 AM

    When I read the horror-scope, I knew something bad would happen. We Sadditarians (yes, thanks to recession we prefer being called by this term) have an inner instinct about these days. But, I did need bread and butter, even if I cannot afford jam. So off I went to the super market and the ambulance chaser nearly knocked me down. Now what could be worse than that.

  11. Addie 05/22/2012 at 10:06 AM

    Very intimidating, Walmart. Luckily I’m in the Philippines so the threat is somehow useless. By the way, your comrade over here, SM Supermall, says hi. :D

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