Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke

PutinHail, comrades! Today I take special delivery of Coca Cola, elixir of taste and fizz. Coke is symbol of Western propaganda, so it delivered in secure box and guarded by KGB agents who ride atop mighty steed of grizzly bear. If Coke manage to escape and run away, it might setup camp in woods and organise democracy rally march. For security I make sure all doors and windows closed, plugs in sink and bath stuffed with ear wax, and chimney blocked with carcass of starving horse. I also leave key in keyhole, so Coke not able to sneak look outside of room.

I unscrew lid of Coke and immediately I see it froth up and try to escape. I let fizz come out slow, so as to keep it in bottle cage. When pour in glass it take me by surprise and froth up much faster and this time it escape over rim of glass! I shout and call in guards so they stop it run away. They get hairdryers and shoot hot air at Coke so it dry up and no trickle across floor. I worry that if it get in ground then Coke plant sprout up and have lots of Father Christmases grow from branches. Father Christmas well known for emptying his sack in sock of children, much like Catholic priest.

Now come to taste Coke, but I worry that Coke is like virus and infect me to be host for something bad. I get guard to drink Coke and then I smell his burp to see if I like or not. Guard drink it but he no burp. I tell him drink more, but he still no burp. I have guard shot for being traitor and decide to drink Coke myself. It nice and tasty and make me do loud burp. I hear guard laughing at my burp so I set bear on him and then I kill bear by getting in headlock.

Next week, if I manage to get tin opener back from neighbour I review Heinz tomato soup.

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23 responses to “Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke

  1. Mooselicker 04/28/2012 at 4:10 PM

    He sounds as paranoid as Richard Nixon. Who would ever kill Putin? The picture you chose for him looks like it should be on a comeback album.

  2. Addie 04/28/2012 at 9:45 PM

    This is why I drink Pepsi.

  3. A Gripping Life 04/29/2012 at 12:46 AM

    “much like Catholic priest” made me laugh, and then I felt sick. Ew.

  4. helloitsgemma 04/29/2012 at 3:13 PM

    Coca cola is the devils drink – he is right to be wary. Heinz tomato soup – that’s a proper, quality, classic. Look forward to the review.

  5. Lily 04/30/2012 at 12:12 AM

    Coke is a pretty hard thing to figure out. Glad Vlad enjoyed it and had a good burp afterwards. Just like a baby.

  6. Anna 04/30/2012 at 12:43 PM

    I’m not suprised Putin likes Coke, it’s made from potatoes and sugar. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere his wife is made from potatoes and sugar.

  7. No Blog Intended 04/30/2012 at 4:47 PM

    I am as paranoid of Coke as I should be as a future Russian studying creature. I just returned from cafe, where I had the choice between coke and beer. I chose beer. So happy I did that – now I can go to Russia without being followed by the KGB!

  8. Terri Bruce 04/30/2012 at 4:57 PM

    It sounds like Vlad is channelling Brezhnez here

  9. Anna 05/02/2012 at 3:54 AM

    This Coke review is entertaining! (In a good way.) The bear, the guards and the Coke. Now it sounds like some twisted, modern day fairy tale. (In a good way.) I am definitely looking forward to the review of Heinz tomato soup! :D

  10. Sasha 05/12/2012 at 8:34 PM

    haha! “Father Christmas well known for emptying his sack in sock of children, much like Catholic priest.” – brilliant
    back in the motherland, we only drank soda on birthdays and major holidays. it was always a great treat… Fanta was my favorite.

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