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Highbrow Blogger Becky
Michael Cargill
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
‘I want to be a battering ram when I grow up’ says billiards cue
Posted by on 23/04/2012
Smash
An ambitious young billiards cue has spoken of his “burning desire” to quite literally “be at the head of dawn raids all across the country. All you perps out there had better watch out ‘cos I might be smashing your back doors in soon. The moment that back-and-forward motion starts I get a rush of blood to the head. Ask anyone from around here, there aint no stopping me once I get going. I don’t even blink at the point of impact; I want to see the whites of your eyes.”
The cue, who currently resides in a pub in Walthamstow, said that he first got the idea “when a pirate version of Lord of the Rings was being shown on the TV in the bar. There was this bit where the ogres where using a massive log to smash a castle door down. It was so exciting, the battering ram worked his way right inside and was shouting at all the perps. He had definitely done it before, he was such a pro.”
Shot
The cue told us “I can’t wait to get out of this place, it’s full of scumbags. Once I just lying there on the beize, minding my own business, when someone threw up on me. I had only just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head, it was humiliating. Sometimes I can still hear the screams of the pool table in my sleep. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.”
“It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I first came here, every night was an adventure. The boys would look me up and down and hold me towards the light to see how straight I was. I was full of confidence back then. They would stroke and caress me like I was their own.”
“Then they would let me headbutt the shit out of the cue ball all night. It was marvellous.”
He might have to start working out at the gym and taking steroids if he ever wants to make it as a battering ram.
I went to the gym myself today actually. I could ‘spot’ him on the bench press if he wants.
I swear, you were supposed to be born an inanimate object. You get their thoughts and feelins down perfectly.
He should be happy where he is in life. Not at some biker bar where whenever a stranger walks in the cues are snapped in half. That’s no way to end your life.
Yeah, inanimate things don’t say mean things to me. I feel a kinship with them.
I think he needs to be weighed in to see if the business end of the stick will tip the scales in his favor.
Evening my dear Laz!
I reckon the case he is carried in weighs more than he does.
Someone’s ambitious! But remember, there’s only a lucky few that makes it to the top. You’ve been warned! One day you’re big, the next day you’re out. Sad but true.
Indeed. Even if he does make it, he has to watch out for the burning oil being poured on him.
I hate when someone throws up on me when I’ve just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head. it’s the WORST.
Breeeeeeeezy! Haven’t seen your jolly happy face here for a while.
How is the legal rat race of blue sky thinking?
Oh you know, saving the world by making one rich person richer at a time
Poor little stick with big dreams. I don’t blame him–living in a pub sounds pretty gross. And sticky.
In all honesty, being a barmaid in a pub must be hell. All those drunk blokes letching over you.
Might be a good role for someone with low self-esteem?
Fair point that.
Everytime I see the word “Walthamstow” reminds me of the bad joke “Name of a Fish, starts with W, ends with W, 10 letters. – Walthamstow – it’s a place innit!”.
I shall have to remember that one…!
Hm, I think if I were the cue, I would rather get puked on than munched by some drug-crazed guy’s rabid dog
A fair point, well made.
I love the word ‘perps’ – makes me feel like the cue got to watch a few episodes of The Bill at least during his years in the pub. The pub can’t be that rough a place though, if he’s not found himself wrapped around someone’s swede after a raucous debate…although he should be careful just in case – he wouldn’t want to ruin his chances of making the force by getting himself a criminal record.
Ah, The Bill. I remember the good old days of DCI Carver and Burnside.
Clearly knockin about with the old JV on Big Break whet his whistle for a starring role. Either that or he’s itching to distance himself from anything to do with Jim Davidson: no matter what magic was weaved during the Trick Shot, that guy will never be credible on your showreel
Fab blog – just found you.
Please come and say hello at http://www.myfunnymummy.org x
Ah, I remember Big Break. I loved the trickshots they did!
Michael,
I love the way your mind works.
Addie
Cheers babes!
I love you as well.
‘I don’t even blink at the point of impact; I want to see the whites of your eyes’
This actually made me wee a little through trying to hold my laughter in. If it won’t come out your mouth, it’ll come out of your you-know-what.
That’s, um, good to know.