Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
‘I want to be a battering ram when I grow up’ says billiards cue
23/04/2012Posted by on
An ambitious young billiards cue has spoken of his “burning desire” to quite literally “be at the head of dawn raids all across the country. All you perps out there had better watch out ‘cos I might be smashing your back doors in soon. The moment that back-and-forward motion starts I get a rush of blood to the head. Ask anyone from around here, there aint no stopping me once I get going. I don’t even blink at the point of impact; I want to see the whites of your eyes.”
The cue, who currently resides in a pub in Walthamstow, said that he first got the idea “when a pirate version of Lord of the Rings was being shown on the TV in the bar. There was this bit where the ogres where using a massive log to smash a castle door down. It was so exciting, the battering ram worked his way right inside and was shouting at all the perps. He had definitely done it before, he was such a pro.”
The cue told us “I can’t wait to get out of this place, it’s full of scumbags. Once I just lying there on the beize, minding my own business, when someone threw up on me. I had only just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head, it was humiliating. Sometimes I can still hear the screams of the pool table in my sleep. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.”
“It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I first came here, every night was an adventure. The boys would look me up and down and hold me towards the light to see how straight I was. I was full of confidence back then. They would stroke and caress me like I was their own.”
“Then they would let me headbutt the shit out of the cue ball all night. It was marvellous.”