Piers Morgan reviews his own shit-eating grin

Cowabunga dudes!  It’s Piersy Morgers here and I have decided to tell you all about moi.  I am a big fan of cats and have an entire shed dedicated to them and their mysterious ways.  I built the shed myself using a combination of blood, tears and self-satisfied smuggery.  That last attribute was particularly useful for banging in the last few troublesome nails.  I decided to name the shed ‘Sheba’ and I am it’s queen.  Which of course makes me The Queen of Sheba.  I sometimes put on a robe and fill the inside pockets with kittens so I can listen to them mewling in honour of their gracious kingy-queen.  I even have authentic photographs to show as proof if you don’t believe me.

I also like holidays and my favouritest holiday was when I popped over to Iraq back in 2004.  I got kidnapped by a gang of Iraqi criminals and they threatened to kill me unless I gave them lots of money.  When I told them I was a celebrity they soon changed their tune and it wasn’t long before they were begging me for an autograph.  I then got rescued by some British soldiers and the translator informed me that my captors thought that I was the gay, wimpy one from Four Weddings and a Funeral.  But it still counts, right?  Celebrity by proxy is still celebritiness.  And yes, I have 100% authentic photographs that I can show you as proof.

Last year some time I bought myself an owl and named it Twitter.  I could tell right away that I was doing well with Twitter as it kept responding to every ‘twit’ I made.  ”Twit-twit-to-WOO!” I would say and it would do a twitty right back at me.  If I leave Twitter alone for too long I get worried that it has forgotten about me so I unleash a mighty T-bomb at him.  Occasionally he flies around and does lots of little Twit-shits on me but, well, I kind of like the attention.  It gives me a real feeling of legitimacy among all the other Twitter owners out there.  But make no mistake, I am the master of Twitter.  Oh yes I am.

I have some authentic photos of all this you know.  They definitely aren’t fake, I can tell by looking at the pixels and from seeing quite a few Photoshops in my time.