Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
There aint nothing that can’t be fixed with a nice sausage
02/29/2012Posted by on
Although I was born in 1956, my life before 1978 was empty. In that fateful year I purchased a second-hand sausage-making machine. It’s a real beast of a device, proper vintage construction and if you aren’t careful it will take your hand off. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sometimes, when it’s late at night and I am just finishing off my latest batch, as I turn that handle I swear I can hear Queen Victoria singing. I can just picture her queuing up at the Royal Palace canteen, plate in hand, asking for a nice pair of spicy Cumberland bangers so that she may put them between two slices of freshly baked bread.
At first I kept the machine in the garage, at the behest of my good wife. She never liked the thing right from the get-go. “Too dangerous” she says. “Sort of thing Jack the Ripper used” she claimed. What utter rot. She changed her tune that one day when I served up a sausage trifle dessert when all the family were round. She shed tears of pure joy and happiness. She even went and stayed at her mum’s for two weeks after, such was her emotional state. When she came back I showed her that I had moved the machine onto my bedside cabinet. She was completely speechless at the thought of me squelching and banging away at all hours of the morning!
Begonias, aloe veras, medinilla and tulips. All beautiful plants and all have made their way through the cogs and pipes of this machine of mine. I likes to experiment with things and sometimes it throws up a nice surprise. I put a cactus through it once and it turns out that them spikes don’t ‘sausage up’ very well at all. They come through intact at the other side and you end up with bits poking through the skin. It makes a right mess of your non-stick frying pan as well.