Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

There aint nothing that can’t be fixed with a nice sausage

sausagesAlthough I was born in 1956, my life before 1978 was empty.  In that fateful year I purchased a second-hand sausage-making machine.  It’s a real beast of a device, proper vintage construction and if you aren’t careful it will take your hand off.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Sometimes, when it’s late at night and I am just finishing off my latest batch, as I turn that handle I swear I can hear Queen Victoria singing.  I can just picture her queuing up at the Royal Palace canteen, plate in hand, asking for a nice pair of spicy Cumberland bangers so that she may put them between two slices of freshly baked bread.

At first I kept the machine in the garage, at the behest of my good wife.  She never liked the thing right from the get-go.  “Too dangerous” she says.  “Sort of thing Jack the Ripper used” she claimed.  What utter rot.  She changed her tune that one day when I served up a sausage trifle dessert when all the family were round.  She shed tears of pure joy and happiness.  She even went and stayed at her mum’s for two weeks after, such was her emotional state.  When she came back I showed her that I had moved the machine onto my bedside cabinet.  She was completely speechless at the thought of me squelching and banging away at all hours of the morning!

Begonias, aloe veras, medinilla and tulips.  All beautiful plants and all have made their way through the cogs and pipes of this machine of mine.  I likes to experiment with things and sometimes it throws up a nice surprise.  I put a cactus through it once and it turns out that them spikes don’t ‘sausage up’ very well at all.  They come through intact at the other side and you end up with bits poking through the skin.  It makes a right mess of your non-stick frying pan as well.

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29 responses to “There aint nothing that can’t be fixed with a nice sausage

  1. No Blog Intended 02/29/2012 at 3:06 PM

    I once had to clean a machine like this one…. EEEGH. But maybe that was just me.

  2. kickingsport 02/29/2012 at 3:34 PM

    Even as a heterosexual I can tell you that I completely agree with everything the author has written. Tasty work!

  3. A Gripping Life 02/29/2012 at 5:38 PM

    Sausage is one scary “meat.” The idea of a sausage dessert trifle makes me gag!

  4. jbmumofone 02/29/2012 at 7:11 PM

    I am generally in danger around implements such as this.

  5. Little Miss 02/29/2012 at 8:50 PM

    Brilliant, Gueed he didn’t make any linconshire sausage!

  6. mooselicker 02/29/2012 at 9:33 PM

    How many pictures of delicious sausage did you have to go to before finding the one that looked like fat animal genitals?

    The beauty of sausage is that it can come in so different shapes. There’s the cylinder and then there’s the flat hockey puck.

    Sausage made North Korea turn over their nuclear weapons today.

    • Michael Cargill 02/29/2012 at 10:47 PM

      Thousands and thousands of pictures.

      I bloody love sausages actually. I get them from my local butcher and they are great.

      Someone needs to knock up a Kim Il Jong sausage meme.

  7. Mammasaurus 02/29/2012 at 9:59 PM

    I personally find little helpless kittens make a superior sausage.

  8. Lily 02/29/2012 at 11:42 PM

    I feel bad for pigs. They’re the smartest of the barn yard animals, yet the taste the best. I try to stay away from bacon and sausage, but they’re just too good.
    Experimenting with cacti always seems entertaining.

  9. Catherine Burden 03/01/2012 at 1:15 AM

    I don’t mind the odd sausage, even tried kangaroo sausages once, but trifle, I don’t think so.

  10. tootsiewoo 03/01/2012 at 3:03 PM

    The cactus is a noble and royal plant and as a representative of P.A.W.M.A.C. (People Against the Wrongful Murder of Amiable Cacti) I am appalled. You will be hearing from us within the week.

  11. PCC Advantage 03/01/2012 at 8:32 PM

    What happens if you put ready-made sausages through it? Do they come out twice as delicious?

  12. Pete Howorth 03/02/2012 at 12:48 AM

    I’d certainly stick my sausage between Queen Victoria’s baps. I often dream about it.

  13. edrevets 03/02/2012 at 9:42 AM

    This is it. I knew something was missing in my life, but I didn’t know what, until I read this post. I must have sausage machine. Then I will be complete.

  14. noonebutabloghead 03/02/2012 at 11:26 PM

    I really want to try a cactus sausage now.
    You go on about the practicalities of cooking it, but what does it taste like? That’s what we all want to know!

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