Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hello, my name is George and I have been a vegetarian since 2005. Although I was born in 1982 I consider the era before my conversion to be a sort of pre-life. All that time I was gorging on roast beef and bacon sandwiches, I now see that I was nothing more than a caterpillar waiting to turn into a butterfly. Thanks to my new-found way of life I believe that I have the potential to be immortal. In fact I can do pretty much anything that I put my mind to. If I am ever confronted with a challenge I will meditate by way of consuming a juicy bag of Spinach ‘n’ Lettuce Crunch Mix from my local supermarket.
My favourite vegetable is carrot. Come mealtime I will carefully browse my selection of orange prey and then strike decisively. The carrot has no chance of getting away such is my prowess. I then get a knife – the bigger the better – and chop off the carrot’s head with one strike. This renders it utterly helpless. I then begin to peel it. Slowly but surely to saviour the moment. As the skin gradually falls away I begin to salivate as the glistening flesh is exposed. Sometimes I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which adds to my excitement.
I will then leave the exposed carrot on the side for a while. Most of the time I will over-peel one side to stop it from rolling off and running away to warn the others. The temperature of the room provides ample heat for the meat to be ‘sealed’, a process that only takes a couple of minutes. Any longer than that and it will be overcooked and ruined. Some people like their food well-done but I hate it. I consider them to be barbarians who want every meal to be like a damn BBQ.
The other day someone asked me what the greatest moment in vegetable history is. Without a doubt it would have to be the time when, in 1582, a potato first discovered Sir Walter Raleigh and persuaded him to take his family back to England.
Lol! “I can even feel the carrot struggling within my grasp which adds to my excitement.” The absurdity of it all! I love it!
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. There is nothing absurd here, merely truth.
I hope you aren’t mocking me.
Ditto A gripping life. You are messed up–oh and that is a compilement if only I could spell the word.
Thanks. I take any and all compliments these days, even barbed ones.
Poor carrot. At least it’s going to a good place.
On a similar note, I wrote a manuscript for a children’s book about saving a piece of brocolli from the horrors of the garbage:
http://themainland.net/2012/01/20/saving-billy-broccoli/
Vegetables rock!
I regularly carry vegetables around with me just so I don’t forget how good they are.
Never thought I’d feel sorry for a carrot, but it just happened!
Everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame. That was his.
Maybe he will get to appear on Big Brother next year.
Do you think some vegetarians are really like that? I think it’s weird when men are vegetarians. I didn’t eat meat for a year and then I stopped because meat is just too good.
There are plenty of militant veggies knocking about. NBI is one of them…!
In fact it was one of her comments yesterday that inspired me to do this one…
I already thought so
.
I must admit that I’ll probably be knocking about all alone. I just returned from a school trip and people found out I don’t like meat. There was just disbelief and then a nice chat about tasty meat.
Poor NBI. I will keep you company don’t worry.
Do you like beef Monster Munch?
I don’t know it… Am I missing out on something?
Monster Munch is the name of some crisps. Beef flavour are (or were when I was in school) the bestest.
Veggies are spuds.
Just makes me wanna put them in the oven for 90 minutes and then pour baked beans over them.
Or, are spuds veggies??? Chicken. Egg. Spuds. Veggies. The eternal question.
I think a list of the other greatest moments in vegetable history are much needed.
In 1066 a leek managed to worm it’s way into King Harold’s eye.
I was once attacked by some peas. I still have the memory fresh in my mind. One got up my nose. The bastard. OH THE HUMANITY. Of… vegetables… *searches for some aubergine to chew on*
Talk about visualizing whirled peas…
It took me a while to get that joke! Well done.
I hope you threw them back into the freezer as punishment.
I’m not quite sure what to make of this post Michael! My husband has been a vegetarian for over 40 years, and I became one by marriage, (and choice) when I moved in with him almost 2 years ago. Neither of us is slim, or puny, and we are definitely not part of the “knit-your-own-sandals” brigade. We just have a belief that other living creatures should not have to die in order for us eat flesh when we can survive very well without it. We also don’t for an instant think of our vegies, carrots included, as prey. So, I thought I would be the voice of reason and let you know that not all vegetarians are weirdos. just sayin’
Don’t worry, you sound like normal people who just so happen to be veggies. I was merely mocking the people who take things too far.
Bacon really is jolly good though.
I do so miss bacon tho
Just thought I’d add that.
Hey Michael, The Dark Globe February Shoot Off! Photograph Competition has Officially Begun, For More Info Head Here http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/the-2012-dark-globe-february-shoot-off-has-officially-begun/
If you know any Photographers, you’re welcome to let them know about the Competition
See you in the Judges Box
Thanks Michael
DarkJade-
This is really hilarious. Quite a barbarian you are!
You should see my house, it’s like a cave. I even wear a loincloth when waving my sword around.
And I thought my mom dissecting a chicken and pulling out its eggs was bad (IT WAS HORRIBLE)…that poor carrot.
Wah…? There were unlayed eggs inside the dead chicken?
*bletch*