Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
I got some new porridge the other day. It had a nice box and so I thought “why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. Mixed it up and the texture was different from the old one. It looked fantastic and I couldn’t wait to try it out. Bunged it in the microwave for the usual 3 minutes and out it came, looking bloody marvellous. I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. It felt really nice. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off. A bath of petrol that is.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? You are a vegetarian? Oh for goodness sake! Well just have some beans then. Everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up. Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while. You don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you are hosting next week.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
If you haven’t washed your windows recently I suggest that you do. It’s a boring and tedious job but you will reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head on something. When the neighbours start peeking in through your windows, you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up. You filthy sods.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you are a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do. Just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself. I have had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.
I’m stunned.
How could you know I don’t like meat? I’ll have some beans as you said.
Wha, what?!? You don’t like meat? INSANITY.
I got tricked into going into a vegetarian restaurant once though.
You conservative male! Vegetarian food can be very delicious, and very creative.
Who needs creativity when you can have a lovely lamb chop?
Yum.
Don’t get me started! I’m sure that the lovely lamb chop once had very lovely eyes and squealed when they took the poor thing to the slaughter.
I don’t want my neighbours looking in. Even if I am dead on the floor. No, I want the flies to be the first thing that alerts them to my tragedy. The flies, and the stench.
I have a story about corpse flies. I’ll tell you another time. Bet you can’t WAIT
Pah, bloody wimmin. Always giving me a sniff of a story and then leaving me hanging for ages.
I hope it’s okay that I wait till the spring to wash my windows? If I do it now, I’ll likely get frost bitten and die in the freezing cold.
That sort of depends on whether you are intending to bang your head and knock yourself out at some point in the near future.
Great tip on the windows… and I promise I won’t wash them with porridge. (Yah, I’m hungover.. I got nothin here)
Breezy! Party girl has a hangover.
Was it a good night?
Scorpio here and one who still enjoys living in filth.
Addie, Addie, Addie. I thought you were classier than that.
Our neighbours usually have to pay our window cleaners cause we’re never about. It’s about £6 a time and the other day they told us we owed them £36!
There’s no punchline to this story by the way I just wanted to make you aware that some Cancerians among us don’t realise our windows have been cleaned when they have been.
Or are the neighbours cleaning our windows so they can pretend to find us with our head’s hit when really they already knew about it?!
Think you forgot to mention that Cancerians can be quite paranoid as well.
Um… I am not sure what to say to all of this.
Did you give your neighbours the exact £36 or did you give them £40 and demand some change?
We gave them the exact £36 but I like your £40 angle. Will try that next time. Thank you.
I also wanted to add that another Cancerian trait seems to be the mis-use of apostrophes when commenting on people’s blogs. Although I think the one I just did was okay.