Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Ignite
An incandescent light bulb has stated that although he is sad that his life as a light-provider is now over, he is “more than happy with the life I led” and is proud to say that he “probably managed to prevent a rape or two”. ”This is a pretty rough area” he warned. ”Plenty of scumbags around just waiting for a prolonged period of darkness so that they can carry out their scumbaggery. Well, not on my watch they didn’t. I like to think that every lady who walked within my sphere of bulbousness felt safe the entire time.”
Describing the penultimate moment just before his filament finally fizzled out, he said that it was “not as bad as I thought it would be. I could definitely sense it happening. There was a kind of a silence and then what sounded like a train coming towards me. You know that feeling you get when you are about to burp? It was like that but with a few thousand volts of electricity running through your backside. And then that was it. It went all dark and I just stayed there wondering if I was going to get a gold watch or a certificate or something.”
Burnt
The bulb went on to say “some people really don’t understand bulbs at all, which surprises me. Once someone tried to unscrew me right after turning me off. I sat there the whole time thinking ‘don’t do it man, don’t be stupid’. All he had to do was go and check on something for a few minutes whilst I cooled down, but no. He got a nice set of burnt fingers as a result. You know what they say, more haste less speed.”
Speaking about the new energy-saving lightbulbs that are swamping the marketplace he said “yeah, those new guys are definitely the future. Guys like me, we are just dinosaurs now with our delicate little filament wobbling away every time we are moved. The traditionalists will miss us. You can tell by the way they sometimes put us up by their ear and shake us to see if we are still working that there is an emotional bond there. It’s sad but there you go.”
“I just hope I get put into the correct recycling container this evening. No way do I want to end up with the paper waste.”
Incredibly creative post! Where do you get your wonderful ideas?
If I told you, I would have to kill you. I am far too much of a fan of Batman to do that though.
I’m pretty sure, not 100%, that he gets his ideas from scanning the immediate area around him. Either that, or Mr. Cargill is in desperate need of a little medication. I find that when people start personifying everyday objects that there’s likely a chemical imbalance.
Actually, this was quite brilliant! Get it? Brilliant, just like a lightbulb! (Of course I’m talking about the traditional, far superior, lightbulbs.)
Your comedy genius is far superior to mine, Lisa.
I do need medication though.
Yes, my humor is VERY subtle. So subtle, it’s nonexistent.
Seriously….best headline ever. I immediately clicked on it to read this. This was my FAVORITE by far. Absolutely hysterical!
Thank you very much, glad you liked it!
This ‘un has had an untold story for years now. It was his turn today.
I’m still surprised about how you succeed in giving a voice to things you never pay attention to. (Is giving a voice actually a real expression?)
Yeah, I think so. I don’t actually know how or why these things pop into my head though.
I’m starting to feel like I’m reading articles from The Onion. So entertaining. I would have never thought of something like that!
I have to admit that The Onion was inspiration for me doing this. Some of the articles on there have had me pissing myself with laughter.
Have you heard of David Thorne? His website is amazing as well:
http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
Great post! I definitely lolzed. I think his willingness to pass the torch to the new generation of bulbs is incredibly awe-inspiring. What humility!
He is typical of the old school. Modest, resolute and a pioneer.
Our lightbulb died earlier. I now feel rather sorry for it, rather than mad that I can’t see a blooming thing! Great post
Make sure you put it in the right recycling box.
Traditional lightbulbs are so much better than those gay strobe lights. There’s a special place in hell for those.
Imagine the amount of rapes this lightbulb prevented. I know it’s stopped me a few times.
You do have a very enticing dog living with you though. I know I would be sorely tempted.
This one was so funny! I love picturing what a bulb is thinking, and what kind of interview it would give. Superb.
Every bulb is precious yet no-one stops to think about the wisdom they hold. I wanted to do my bit.
Michael, I voted for your blog over at funny blogs and made a comment. Go go go!
My dear Nancy, you am the BEST.
This post almost makes me feel sad about finding pleasure in smashing old light bulbs. I don’t feel like an age-ist so much as I feel like a bulb-ist.
I need to amend my ways.
You… smash your old bulbs? Why would you do such an evil thing?
PCC? What happened to you?