Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Nurse Ratched New Year

Hey ho people.  Yes, it’s well past mid-January so the year isn’t new any more but I have been away.  Been busy.  A band of gypsies recently turned up on a village green and so I was called in to help get rid of them.  It was a lovely little place actually and they invited me along to Sunday service at the church.  One of the choir members ruined it by singing out of tune so I decided to burn the entire village down.  The sound of their screaming was marvellous.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight.  I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard.  What should I do?

First of all you should utterly ashamed of yourself.  I recommend sleeping outside in the garden for a week or so, preferably next to any ants nests that may be in the vicinity.  With regards to weight loss, your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit.  It will sting at first but after a while your body’s natural pain suppressant will kick in.  If it doesn’t kick in then you will probably pass out and slip into a coma.  If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight.  I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard.  What should I do?

Ok sonny, you have made me angry now.  Did you think I wouldn’t notice this?  Do you think I am stupid?  I hate queue jumpers.  I hate gluttony.  I hate you.  I hate everything by default but you have managed to actually piss me off.  I will make sure your car never starts.  Your socks will always be odd, just like your face.  Your hair will always be on fire.  Dog shit will be a permanent feature on your doorstep and you will never, ever be able to use a hammer and nail without bludgeoning your fingers into a useless pulp.  You should kill yourself.

13 responses to “Nurse Ratched New Year

  1. kickingsport 01/20/2012 at 11:34 AM

    Who knew a duplicated e-mail could have such fatal repercussions? A warning to us all! Thank you Nurse Ratched.

  2. AgrippingLife 01/20/2012 at 12:25 PM

    LOL! “Your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit.” haha! If only it were that easy! Nurse Ratched is a witchy woman, for sure. So mean. I’m glad she’s not my mother.

  3. nancyelizabethlauzon 01/20/2012 at 3:09 PM

    Nurse Ratched is the best! I wish I had been more like her when I was a nurse back in the day. She didn’t take crap from anyone.

    • Michael Cargill 01/21/2012 at 5:49 PM

      Hello Elizabeth! I believe this is your first comment on my blog. Welcome.

      The positive reaction to Nurse Ratched always surprises me to be honest. They are quite fun to write so I am always happy to oblige.

  4. mooselicker 01/20/2012 at 11:34 PM

    This makes me want to watch Cuckoo’s Nest again. Did you ever read the book? I only ask because that’s one of only a few “classic” books that I ever actually did read.

    • Michael Cargill 01/21/2012 at 5:51 PM

      I haven’t actually, is it any good? I usually can’t bothered reading the classics, they strike me as being laborious to get through.

      Charles Dickens can poo off.

      • noonebutabloghead 01/27/2012 at 9:55 AM

        The book’s fantastic – quite trippy in it’s way. It’s told from the Chief’s perspective…and well, he’s just a little bit mad in a way that doesn’t come across in the film.

  5. No Blog Intended 01/21/2012 at 2:00 PM

    Such a delight to see her again! SHe’s right to not laugh over that duplicated e-mail. Where’s the respect gone?

    • Michael Cargill 01/21/2012 at 5:52 PM

      Exactly my dear NBI. There just aint any respect in some quarters these days.

      I am glad you and her see eye-to-eye. See my joke there? Your pic is an eye and I said-

      Oh never mind.

  6. noonebutabloghead 01/27/2012 at 9:53 AM

    Harsh but fair. I like this Nurse Ratched – any idea if she’s single?

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