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Highbrow Blogger Becky
Michael Cargill
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Nurse Ratched New Year
Posted by on 20/01/2012
Hey ho people. Yes, it’s well past mid-January so the year isn’t new any more but I have been away. Been busy. A band of gypsies recently turned up on a village green and so I was called in to help get rid of them. It was a lovely little place actually and they invited me along to Sunday service at the church. One of the choir members ruined it by singing out of tune so I decided to burn the entire village down. The sound of their screaming was marvellous.
Dear Nurse Ratched
After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard. What should I do?
First of all you should utterly ashamed of yourself. I recommend sleeping outside in the garden for a week or so, preferably next to any ants nests that may be in the vicinity. With regards to weight loss, your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit. It will sting at first but after a while your body’s natural pain suppressant will kick in. If it doesn’t kick in then you will probably pass out and slip into a coma. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.
Dear Nurse Ratched
After gorging on cheesecake, beer and cheese over the Xmas period I put on a fair bit of weight. I have been trying to shift it and get back down to my normal size but I am finding it hard. What should I do?
Ok sonny, you have made me angry now. Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Do you think I am stupid? I hate queue jumpers. I hate gluttony. I hate you. I hate everything by default but you have managed to actually piss me off. I will make sure your car never starts. Your socks will always be odd, just like your face. Your hair will always be on fire. Dog shit will be a permanent feature on your doorstep and you will never, ever be able to use a hammer and nail without bludgeoning your fingers into a useless pulp. You should kill yourself.
Who knew a duplicated e-mail could have such fatal repercussions? A warning to us all! Thank you Nurse Ratched.
She doesn’t prisoners. Never has. Beware.
LOL! “Your arse is no doubt a heavy beast so I recommend sandpapering it down a bit.” haha! If only it were that easy! Nurse Ratched is a witchy woman, for sure. So mean. I’m glad she’s not my mother.
Make sure you go back to the psychological test results! I spent hours dissecting and interpreting your psyche!………just kidding. But seriously…
She would dishing out the death sentence every time the child soiled it’s nappy.
Nurse Ratched is the best! I wish I had been more like her when I was a nurse back in the day. She didn’t take crap from anyone.
Hello Elizabeth! I believe this is your first comment on my blog. Welcome.
The positive reaction to Nurse Ratched always surprises me to be honest. They are quite fun to write so I am always happy to oblige.
This makes me want to watch Cuckoo’s Nest again. Did you ever read the book? I only ask because that’s one of only a few “classic” books that I ever actually did read.
I haven’t actually, is it any good? I usually can’t bothered reading the classics, they strike me as being laborious to get through.
Charles Dickens can poo off.
The book’s fantastic – quite trippy in it’s way. It’s told from the Chief’s perspective…and well, he’s just a little bit mad in a way that doesn’t come across in the film.
Such a delight to see her again! SHe’s right to not laugh over that duplicated e-mail. Where’s the respect gone?
Exactly my dear NBI. There just aint any respect in some quarters these days.
I am glad you and her see eye-to-eye. See my joke there? Your pic is an eye and I said-
Oh never mind.
Harsh but fair. I like this Nurse Ratched – any idea if she’s single?