Beauty Baggins new year

New year, new stuff!  Huzzah!  Out with the old and in with the new.  I wish I could do that with the in-laws, the miserable old sods.  I have decided to give next-door’s cat a fresh start.  I am bored of the turf wars now and it would make life easier for both of us if we just get along.  Ah, there he is now in fact.  Sauntering along the wall as deft as, well, a cat.  Oh, he jumped down.  Look at him pawing curiously at the earth.  Now he is squatting down.  What is he- oy! Clear off you feral little bastard and do your business somewhere else!  God I hate the furry twat.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Make sure you check out all the sales as there are plenty of bargains to be had.  No, I don’t mean nonsense like handbags and power drills I mean the HDMI cables that go in your TV.  Get rid of the cheap and nasty ones you got and buy the decent ones whilst they are on offer.  At half a month’s wages they can’t be ignored!  And stop looking at me like that.  If you are going to watch Big Brother and Oprah at least sort your equipment out.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you drink coffee?  You should do, it’s great for helping you operate heavy machinery late at night.  A delivery truck is going to crash and overturn in your area this week.  I suggest you prime and oil your most rugged shopping trolley and get ready to smash and grab your way to caffeine excess.  Take a brolly as well so you can fight off that fat cow from over the road.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Kids love Lego.  I love Lego.  Hoovers hate it.  Solve this dilemma by laying plastic sheets all over your house.  At the end of the week when it is hoovering time just gather the sheets up and throw them away.  Your hoover will be ever so thankful to you.  You might need to get another box for the plastic recycling though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

It’s time to clear the loft out.  Make sure you go up there quietly and slowly so as not to disturb the giant wasps nest.  Don’t trip over the Sodastream machine that you got for Xmas back in 1984 either.  Right, that box of yo-yos over in the corner?  Get it.  Quickly, before you get stung.  Good.  Remember that your hand co-ordination is awful and yo-yos are for idiots.  Throw them all away you awful, awful person.