Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins new year

New year, new stuff! Huzzah! Out with the old and inhoroscopes with the new… and how I wish I could do that with my miserable bastard in-laws. I’ve actually decided to give next-door’s cat a fresh start. I’ve become bored of the turf wars and it would make life easier for both of us if we could just get along. Ah, there he is now in fact. Sauntering along the wall as deft as, well, as a cat. Oh, he jumped down again… just look at the cute little devil pawing curiously at the earth… and now he’s squatting down… what is he- oy! Clear off you feral little bastard and do your business somewhere else! God, I hate the furry twat.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Make sure you check out all the sales as there are plenty of bargains to be had. No, I don’t mean nonsense like handbags and power drills, I mean the HDMI cables that go in your TV. Get rid of the cheap and nasty ones you use and buy the decent ones whilst they are on offer – at half a month’s wages they simply can’t be ignored! And stop looking at me like that. If you’re going to watch Big Brother and Oprah at least sort your equipment out.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you drink coffee? You should do as it’s great for helping you operate heavy machinery late at night. A delivery truck is going to crash and overturn in your area this week so I suggest that you prime and oil your most rugged shopping trolley and get ready to smash and grab your way to caffeine excess. Take a brolly as well so you can fight off that fat cow from over the road.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Kids love Lego; I love Lego; Hoovers hate it. Solve this dilemma by laying plastic sheets all over your house. Come hovering time at the end of the week, just gather the sheets up and throw them away – your hoover will be ever so thankful to you. You might need to get another box for the plastic recycling though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I believe it’s time to clear out that loft of yours. Make sure you go up there quietly and slowly, so as not to disturb the giant wasp’s nest that’s perched delicately above the entrance. Don’t trip over the Sodastream machine that you got for Xmas back in 1984 either. Right, that box of yo-yos over in the corner? Get it and get it quickly, before you get stung. Good. Remember that your hand co-ordination is awful and yo-yos are for idiots so throw them all away you awful, awful person.

16 responses to “Beauty Baggins new year

  1. Mistress Mummy 01/08/2012 at 12:22 PM

    I love horoscopes! I don’t drink coffee though, yuck. Guess I’m not going to do well this year

  2. Lisa 01/08/2012 at 1:20 PM

    Haha! I like that these particular horoscopes are so pertinent to everyone’s life situation. I’m going to have to refer back to mine throughout the year for extra guidance.

  3. No Blog Intended 01/08/2012 at 4:46 PM

    Oprah? Big Brother? What do you actually believe we are?
    I go for the handbags anyway!

  4. Addie 01/08/2012 at 7:27 PM

    1. God I hate the furry twat. Oh, the amusement I found in a cat being described this way. I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

    2. I’ve my shopping card and an umbrella (because I’m American) at the ready to beat away those quicker than I to the take. Thanks for the heads up.

    • Michael Cargill 01/09/2012 at 3:30 PM

      No, I think most cats are either in hell or are born there. They may be cute and cuddly but boy can they be evil.

      • No Blog Intended 01/09/2012 at 4:07 PM

        Cats are awesome. They only care about themselves and make others only care about them. What’s greater than that? Okay, sometimes they have the urge to show their nails, but next to that they only sleep. Believe me.

  5. mooselicker 01/08/2012 at 7:58 PM

    I had someone do my tarot cards last week. My horoscope here was more accurate. Kids do love Legos!

  6. darkjade68 01/08/2012 at 9:20 PM

    Thanks again for your Post Michael

    DarkJade-

  7. Anna 01/09/2012 at 5:53 PM

    I cleared out the loft as suggested (because I literally do everything Beauty Baggins tells me to… LITERALLY), and although I don’t have any yo-yos I do have some old forks for some reason.

    Stab them into peoples faces, or jumble sale? Decisions!

  8. mel 04/11/2012 at 10:58 PM

    once again – scarily accurate – my poor co-ordination will be my downfall I fear

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