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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Charlie Sheen to release build-your-own Charlie Sheen magazine
06/01/2012Posted by on
Madcap heartthrob Charlie Sheen has announced that he is in talks with publishers to “put himself in every household and news-stand in America” so that “everyone can see what makes Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen”. He wants the very first issue to come with a fully-assembled head as it will “get me right there, in your face and watching you at night”. Ever the gentleman Sheen said he “promises to close his eyes when you are getting dressed”.
Several name suggestions cropped up during a recent brainstorming session with ‘The Sheen Machine Magazine’ and ‘Charlie Foxtrot Alpha Sheen’ being the most popular. Sheen himself is particularly keen on calling it ‘Hello, my name is Charlie Sheen and this is my magazine’ because it is “simple and to the point. And it rhymes. I like rhymes and I like baked beans, it’s why the ‘beans means Heinz’ slogan was so good. The more you say it the better it gets. I am going to be saying it all day now.”
Always on the lookout for an innovative approach, by week 15 he hopes to “include removable penis attachments, each one having a different porn star on the end of them”. Each issue will have “a small picture of a bag of cocaine hidden somewhere among the pages” with “a special prize of baked beans going to the first person to find it each week”.
This latest venture comes hot on the heels of numerous other endorsements and brands such as ‘Sheeno Beans’, ‘Sheeno Beans on Wheels’ and an investigative documentary on supermarket price fixing called ‘How much are you paying for your beans?’.
Responding to rumours about the state of his mental health Sheen cryptically stated that he “tends to feel a bit cranky if I haven’t had my morning coffee beans yet.”