Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Butter knives feeling neglected by serial killers
15/11/2011Posted by on
A cutlery-drawer war is currently brewing in domestic kitchens as a whole slew of butter knives are now realising that when it comes to the weapon of choice for murderers, they are not going to be chosen any time soon. Describing the situation as “totally unfair” and even “just another form of racism”, the butter knives just want “a bit of fun now and again”.
Although butter knives are generally “easy going and down to earth” and that “we would probably turn it down anyway”, they just want homicidal maniacs, jilted lovers and neglected teenagers to know that “it’s still nice to be asked once in a while”. One side of the debate has centred around the fact that “murder doesn’t always have to involve stabbing, thrusting and/or slashing” as a “well-placed blob of butter, margarine or lemon curd can be used to block up even the largest of nostrils”.
Not everyone is sympathetic to the plight of the butter knives as tin openers of various types say “we are gobsmacked at the arrogance of our non-pointy cousins” and “I would leap at the chance to be used to slowly pry off the top of someone’s skull”. The Christmas period is a “time of real jealousy these days” as carving knives are “dusted down and sharpened” in preparation of “slicing, dicing and even hacking”, an event for which “no-one else even gets a look in”.
A set of wooden spoons has said “killing is old hat to us, our ancestors were doing it with spears a couple of millenia ago”. The metal implements responded with “whatever you say, pops. Not even the emos will bother trying to slit their wrists with you guys”.